CHAPTER SIX: ATTACK OF THE CUCUMBERS
They all immediately stepped back, reasonably wary. The mannequin things stopped, and Saturnine came closer, still smiling. Her red hair was wet from the rain, and her green eyes gleamed with what Ivy sensed as evil, although they seemed somewhat familiar.
Ivy glanced at Anomaly. Why not? We should just leave.
Because, Anomaly responded, we need to get to the same place.
Fine. I won’t teleport. I’ll just claw her throat out and we can leave.
Don’t do that either!
Ivy sighed. As Saturnine came closer, her thoughts became easy to hear. Hello Ivy, hello Anomaly.
“Why don’t you speak so we can all hear you?” Ivy said, glaring. “Because if you insist we speak through thoughts, I assure you, I can kill you with mine. And I will.”
“Okay, then we’ll speak out loud.”
“Interesting army you’ve got there. Do you mind telling me what they are?”
“I see that. Is there a fancy name for them or anything?”
“Of course there is. They’re called…” Saturnine looked as if she was trying to think of something.
“I have an idea. They’re called cucumbers.”
“That’s not what they’re called.”
“I love your cucumber army, Saturnine. It looks so friendly and loving.”
“But they love you. You should show them some respect, at the very least.”
“I’m serious; Ivy, you had better stop it or I’ll kill you right now.”
“With what? Your cucumbers? Because they’re so incredibly terrifying.”
Ivy saw Audacious and Anomaly grinning, shoulders shaking, doing their best not to laugh. Saturnine, however, seemed furious about the entire thing. She observed the three of them for a moment. She looked as though there was something she needed to say, but thought of something else instead. “Well, I just wanted to know if you had any last words.”
“Before I kill you with my army.”
“Ah. How lovely. I always thought I would die because of a cucumber. However, I usually expected it to lick my face off with its peel or something entirely rational like that,” Ivy responded with a grin.
Saturnine glared for a moment, then sighed. “Indeed. Death by cucumbers. So, any last words?”
“Oh, I have some,” Audacious said, his hand raised, looking at Saturnine. “Let’s see, what were they… Just, just give me a moment. Man, I had thought of them, just in case of the odd situation where I would need to know them… Wait another few seconds… Um… Oh yes. That’s right. I remember now. They were, ‘You should look behind you, moron’.”
Saturnine’s eyes narrowed and she turned around just as a ball of green energy hit her square in the face. Anomaly hurled another, and that one hit Saturnine in the stomach. Saturnine fell down, and stopped moving.
Ivy stared. “Does it always look that cool when I attack someone?” she asked Anomaly.
“I’d assume so.”
Ivy thought for a moment. “Saturnine is so easy to defeat. I bet she hates us.”
“Oh, she does. That’s for sure.”
“Yeah… Hey, why did she want you dead anyway?”
She hesitated. “That’s another matter.” Anomaly glanced around at the mannequins. “Damn… those are creepy.”
“Well, all vegetables are creepy. And murderous,” Ivy said. “By the way, I’m officially calling those things cucumbers. You should too. That way I know what you’re talking about, and you know what I’m talking about when I talk about those and when you’re talking about those cucumbers. I doubt we’ll ever talk about cucumbers, so when we talk about cucumbers we’ll always know what cucumbers we’re talking about. Do I make absolute perfect sense to you?” Audacious was about to respond, but Ivy cut in before he could. “I do? Do I? Are you positive? Entirely sure? One hundred percent? No doubt whatsoever? Are you completely sure—“
“Ivy!” Anomaly said abruptly.
Ivy looked over. “Yes, Anomaly?”
“Oh. Right. Sorry. Back to the situation of dealing with the cucumbers.”
Audacious looked at Ivy. “I never would’ve guessed that a feared assassin was so… random about everything.”
“No one would’ve. That’s what makes me so interesting. Well, that and every other thing about me, too.”
“Yes. That is okay. You know it is.”
“I’m just going to stop responding now.”
“Ivy, it looks like your cucumber friends don’t like us too much,” Anomaly said, “because they look like they’re about to attack us.”
“Is that so?” a voice said from behind them. They whirled around to see Saturnine getting to her feet.
“Can I please just kill her?” Ivy asked Anomaly softly.
“No, Ivy, killing isn’t very nice,” she replied in a whisper.
“Since when do you think I care about nice?”
“Just shut up.” She raised her voice. “Hey Saturnine. I guess I didn’t hit you hard enough – want me to hit you again? Or Ivy could. I know she wants to.”
“I would enjoy that,” Ivy muttered.
“I wouldn’t, though,” Saturnine said. “Well, I’m just going to give my army – my not cucumber army – the order to attack you, then I’ll be leaving.”
“You won’t get very far,” Ivy pointed out. “Audacious is a vampire, so he’s really fast, and both Anomaly and myself can teleport.”
“I think I’ll give the order… Now!” Saturnine commanded, then pulled a small black ball with a button on it from her pocket. She pressed the button, then faded away, as if she had teleported. And then she was gone.
“How the hell did she do that?” Audacious asked Anomaly as the mannequins drew closer.
“There are only Seven Sorcerers,” Anomaly said as the three of them backed away, “but there are people who have a small degree of magic and there are objects that possess magical properties. That little ball was obviously one of them. And so are these cucumbers, as Ivy calls them.”
“Thanks for acting like a teacher, Anomaly. I always loved that when I bothered to go to school,” Ivy said sarcastically, then threw a ball of dark blue energy into the nearest mannequin. It exploded in a flurry of plastic shards.
Audacious nodded to her, impressed, then stepped forward and punched through one. He dropped the dead mannequin – just a piece of broken plastic now – and did the same to another. He continued in that pattern, punching through the things with his enhanced vampire-strength or whatever it was people called it now. He glanced at Ivy, knowing she was enjoying that she was finally killing something again, then got back to destroying the mannequins.
Anomaly and Ivy were unknowingly standing back-to-back, and were using all kinds of magical attacks. They were throwing balls of energy, making flame throwers with their hands, exploding things by merely touching them, and pulling mannequins apart by merely waving their hand, with Ivy’s attacks coloured in dark blue energy and Anomaly’s in green. Ivy was tearing the limbs off some, as well as heads.
The three of them demolished the army quickly.
“Well, those are some interesting cucumbers,” Ivy said after a moment’s silence.
“That’s for sure,” Anomaly answered.
None of them spoke for a few minutes. “Why didn’t we teleport away?” Audacious asked.
“Because if we had, the mannequins would’ve attacked normal people, and they never would’ve been able to defend themselves. Unlike us,” Ivy answered, distracted.
“What?” Audacious and Anomaly said in unison.
Ivy’s head tilted. “What’s the big deal?”
“You… You said that as if you actually cared,” Audacious said. “And I know that I don’t know you all that well, but I know you well enough that you love it when people are unhappy and dying, not when they’re happy and living.”
She frowned. “You’re right. Since when do I care?”
“I don’t know, but it’s a weird change.”
Ivy shook her head. “I don’t care. I know I don’t. I could care less. I don’t know what made me say that.”
“Alright then. But I think I know something that you might care about at least a little bit,” Anomaly said.
“What is it?”
“My arm…?” Ivy glanced at her right arm. There was a huge piece of sharp plastic jammed into it, and it was covered in blood, but there wasn’t any blood trickling out whatsoever. “Hmmm…” she said.
“Uh… Doesn’t that concern you at all?” Audacious said, wondering if Ivy had even noticed it. “Because… Because your arm has a huge cut with plastic in it…”
“How come that isn’t, you know, bleeding?” Anomaly said, her voice seeming half curious, half suspicious.
Ivy looked at her but didn’t say anything. “It’s like when I asked about you and Saturnine,” she said at last. “It’s another matter.”
“Okay, fair enough. But I suggest that you get it out of your arm, at the very least.”
“Oh, that isn’t an issue in the slightest.” Ivy gripped the plastic with the fingertips of her left hand and yanked it out, leaving a hole in her arm. She put her hand over it, then, after a few moments, pulled it away. Her arm was completely healed.
Audacious stared. “How did you do that?”
“I’m a Sorcerer. I can do pretty much anything I want. You really need to remember these things,” Ivy said to him.
“I suppose I do,” he responded, clearly impressed with the fact that Ivy could heal herself. “Can you heal other people, too?”
“Um… I’ve never tried, seeing as how my sole purpose in life for a while has been to, well, hurt people…”
“So, were changing subjects. What should we do now?” Anomaly asked.
“You’re the adult,” Ivy said, “you decide.”
Anomaly rolled her eyes and looked to Audacious. “Do you have any suggestions?”
“Maybe we could get out of the rain?” Audacious said.
“And possibly get the mud off us?” Ivy added.
“You guys are… Never mind.” Anomaly was going to say, ‘You guys are wimps’, but with Ivy there? Not a chance.
“We aren’t being wimpy, Anomaly,” Ivy glared. “I read your thoughts. And you want to get out of here just as badly as we do.”
Ivy suddenly grabbed Audacious’ and Anomaly’s wrists, and in an instant she had teleported them all back to her house.
“What did you just do?” Anomaly asked.
“Teleported. What do you think?”
“Well, yeah, of course you teleported, but how did you think of somewhere to go so quickly?”
Ivy shrugged. “Maybe I’m a ninja.”
“Maybe,” Anomaly sighed. She glanced around the house. “You’re house looks nice.”
“Thanks. I like it, too, which is why I live here,” Ivy said. “I’m going to take a shower and get changed. You can two do whatever you want, as long as you don’t snoop around my house. Oh, and you aren’t allowed in my bedroom.”
Ivy walked into the bathroom, and took a shower. She had to admit – she hated being covered in mud, simply because it wasn’t her thing. She liked to be clean, but didn’t mind being a little dirty. But being covered in it? It was bothering her for sure.
When she was finished, she turned off the water, wrapped a towel around herself, and teleported into her room. She put her index fingertips together for a moment, and within a few seconds she was completely dry. She put on all black, because she always did – black boots, black jeans, black jacket, and black shirt – and ran a brush through her hair. She glanced in the mirror. She had to admit, she looked pretty freaking creepy because of her pale skin, indigo eyes, and the all black next to her already black, long, wavy hair. Creepy, but still cool.
She walked out of her room, and into the living room, which was where she had left Anomaly and Audacious. They were both in there, sitting on the couch, already clean from after the rain. Ivy went over to them and sat down.
“Hey Ivy,” they both said to her.
“I don’t understand why I have to say this again; hay is for horses,” she said in response.
“How silly of us,” Anomaly said sarcastically.
“Yes, how silly of you. It’s getting dark outside… We should probably all just stay here tonight. There’s no way whatsoever Saturnine – or anyone else – could break in,” Ivy said to the two of them.
“How do we know that, if we do stay, you won’t pull our heads off or something?” Audacious asked.
Ivy shrugged. “You guys are kind of cool, and I like hanging out with you. There’s only a couple of people I like to be around. So I won’t pull your head off or anything. Yet.”
“Fine, okay,” Audacious said.
A thought came to Ivy’s mind. “Hey, how come nothing’s happening to you?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, you’re a vampire, and it’s dark outside.”
“So why aren’t I scary blood-sucking monster right now?”
“Because I don’t want to be.”
“Cool. Anomaly, are you fine with just staying here?”
“Yep,” she responded.
“Well, then, that was decided easily.”
“It was indeed. In the morning,” Anomaly said, “let’s think of a way to get rid of Saturnine.”
“Agreed,” said Ivy.
“Agreed,” said Audacious.