Sunday, November 6, 2011

Because Valkyrie decided to look up who she was...

Okay, before I start this story, I'd just like to say that I thought it would be amusing, and it's not really a fan fiction, just a way to entertain other people. And I guarantee it will be entertaining...




Valkyrie Cain sat down at Skulduggery Pleasant's laptop while she waited for Skulduggery to pick out his hat, which took a surprisingly long time, so she decided to go to Google and type in her name.

She was shocked at the amount of results there were for "Valkyrie Cain". She kept seeing one name, and they seemed to know a lot about her, so she clicked on a link.

The link took her to a website called, "Derek Landy Blogs Under Duress". She frowned. How did this guy know so much about her? "Hey Skulduggery," she called, "come look at this. I think we're being... I think we're being stalked."

Skulduggery walked in. He was wearing a black pinstriped suit and a black hat. "Stalked?" he asked. "By someone other than Caelan? Who is it?"

Valkyrie didn't even look at him; her eyes were glued to the screen. "All these people. There's someone named Amanda Moore, Sparky Braginski, Flame Phoenix, Kribu, Kallista, Crystal Darkflair, Mar-Chu, nights.raven, Octaboona, Pyro, Mistical Future, Rosella Embers, Invisible Fly... There's tons of them, all Bloglanders, following this website... There's so many more... Wait." She looked again. "They all seem to, like, love this Derek guy," Valkyrie said. "He's the one who posts these things, then tons of other people comment on it. There's so many people..."

Skulduggery came over to where Valkyrie was sitting. He looked at the screen, then hesitated. "That's really odd," he said. "How could these people all know about us? Are they mortals?"

"I can't tell," Valkyrie said, staring at the posts. Derek Landy. She needed to remember that. She looked a little closer. "Hey, this girl, Valkyrie V., she's... She's obsessed with us. Look!" Valkyrie pointed.

Skulduggery looked at where Valkyrie was pointing. He was shocked, Valkyrie could tell. She was pointing at some of the comments "Valkyrie V." had posted.

"This girl had a party on your deathday, Skulduggery. I mean, it say that she even had a cake. Apparently, October 23rd is this Derek guy's birthday also." She scrolled to the bottom of the page and clicked on "Home". She started scrolling down, then shrieked and leaped out of the chair. Skulduggery looked down at Valkyrie in shock, then looked at the screen and he screamed too.

They were staring at a post called, "First Competition Ends!". There was a photo in that post, and in that photo Valkyrie saw herself, except it was when she was 12. "I never took that photo!" she screamed. "How on earth am I in that photo?!"

Skulduggery didn't move. He just stared. "I don't know," he admitted, speaking slowly. "Are you sure you never took that photo?"

"Yes I'm bloody sure!" Valkyrie shouted. "I have no clue who any of those other people are!"

Skulduggery went back to Google and typed in "Derek Landy". Skulduggery made a sound, a sound of surprise, and read it aloud. "Derek Landy is an Irish author, known for his book series called 'Skulduggery Pleasant', about a sharply dressed skeleton and his dark-haired partner, Valkyrie Cain..." He trailed off. He turned to look at Valkyrie. All the colour had drained from her face.

"Valkyrie," Skulduggery asked cautiously, "are you going to faint again? Do I need to catch you?" She gave a small nod, then closed her eyes and started falling. Skulduggery rushed over and caught her, moved her to the couch, then went back to the computer and started reading again.



Valkyrie woke up to Skulduggery poking her arm. She looked at him, then looked at the ceiling. "Was all that real? With the stalkers, and the photo?"

"Unfortunately," Skulduggery said, pulling Valkyrie to her feet, "it was real. Very real. A little too real. And I've found Derek Landy."

"Are we going to go after him?" Valkyrie wanted to. She needed to figure this out.

"Yes, we are. We're leaving. Right now."



About thirty minutes later, the Bentley pulled up to the mysterious Derek Landy's house. Skulduggery activated his facade and got out first, checked that it was clear, then beckoned for Valkyrie to join him. They approached the door. Skulduggery knocked three times, then stepped back and waited for an answer. A few minutes  later, a man came out. Valkyrie thought he looked pretty cool.

"Hello," Skulduggery said. "Are you Derek Landy?"
"I am," Derek Landy replied. "And you are...?"

"I think you know," Valkyrie said. "We saw your website."

Derek thought for a moment, then nodded to himself, then realised who was standing in front of him. He looked at them. "Are you guys seriously Skulduggery and Val?"

"We are," Skulduggery said, tapping the tattoos etched into his collar bones, and his face flowed down, leaving his gleaming skull visible. "May we come in?"

"Yeah, sure," Derek said, then lead them into the living room. He sat down and grinned. "So, how are you guys? Saved the world recently?"

"Oh yes," Skulduggery said. "You know, the usual stuff. Bad guys, monsters, dark gods... Same as always. Until earlier."

"Earlier," Valkyrie said, "was when we saw your blog. 'Derek Landy Blogs Under Duress'. We were wondering, because we found it ever so slightly odd, how come you know so much about us?"

Derek hesitated. He looked at them both. "You guys really don't know?"

"We don't have the slightest idea," Valkyrie said, "and the only thing we could come up with is that you're stalking us."

"Stalking you?" Derek laughed. "No, no, I'm not stalking you. Skulduggery, do you have any thoughts? You are a detective."

"I wish I did," Skulduggery said, "but I honestly have no clue."

"Well," Derek said, "what would you do if told you that you're both characters from a book?"

Valkyrie stared at him. "What?!"

"Because you are. I thought of you."

Valkyrie turned and looked at Skulduggery. "Do you hear what he's saying?!"

"I may not have ears, but yes, I do." Skulduggery looked at Derek. "So we're just figments of your imagination?"

Derek nodded slowly. "Basically, yes, you are. But don't worry, I'm obviously amazing, so you guys are too."

"Well, that's good to know," Skulduggery said. "So if you wrote about us, then how come this is happening now? I mean, I don't see a piece of paper and a pen in your hands."

"Oh," Derek said. "Well, I have no control over right now."

Valkyrie frowned. "You don't? Then who does?"

He pointed through the computer screen, directly at me, the one typing the story. "She does. She's one of my Ameriminions."

Valkyrie stared at Derek, then at me. "This doesn't make any sense! How is this happening?!"

"Because I'm making it happen," I said. This was really fun. "I can prove it. Say the name of someone who isn't here right now."

"Um..." Valkyrie said, "Er... how about... the girl in that photo I saw? She'd be interesting to meet, I suppose."

I appeared in the room, behind Skulduggery, Valkyrie, and Derek. "Boo!" I shouted. They all spun around. "I told you, " I smiled.

Skulduggery looked back and forth from the screen where I was and from where I was standing, in the same room. "How are you in both places?!"

"Because," I said, trying my best not to giggle, "I'm the Narrator, and I'm also a character." I waved to Derek. "Hi! I really, really, really, really really want to meet you in real life. Too bad we're in entirely different countries. But don't worry, I'm working on going to Ireland and finding you, just you wait." I looked at Valkyrie. She was looking at me warily. "What? You asked for the girl in the picture, so I came."

"But," Valkyrie said, "that doesn't explain why there's two younger versions of me - you right here and you as in the Narrator -  in the same room."

"It does a little. If you really pay attention."

Valkyrie sighed.

"Hehehe. I made you sigh just now."

"No, you didn't."

"Yes, actually, I did, because I'm the Narrator, and I'm also making you argue, because it's funny."

"So," Derek said, "is this getting anywhere? Because, Val V, I think you like to annoy yourself."

"You're right. I do. It's amusing to me, and the audience." I peered at the reader through the screen. "'Sup."

The reader's head jerked back and they made an odd face.

I laughed. "Ha, funny again."

"Well," Skulduggery said, "this has been amusing, but I'm afraid Valkyrie and I have to go, because Valkyrie V is typing that we're leaving now. So bye!"

"Bye," Valkyrie said, following him out the door.

Derek looked at me. "I don't have to leave, do I? After all, it's my imaginary house we're in."

"Hmm," I said. "Well, on account of that, I suppose you don't have to leave. But I'm going. Narrator! We're leaving!"

"OK," I said. And then I  - the person in Derek's house and the Narrator -  left, causing the story to abruptly end.



The End.

7 comments:

  1. ok, how shall i put this? oddly confusing?amusing....

    but that is life.... so yeah...

    ReplyDelete
  2. 'Tis amusing to read, and 'twas amusing to write because I kept giggling the whole time XD

    ReplyDelete
  3. omg this is bloody hilarious !!!!!! im close to crying its so funny!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I told you it'd be entertaining!!! :D

    ReplyDelete
  5. Que Twilight Zone theme:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMcHaoXsLzQ&feature=related

    ReplyDelete
  6. OMG I loved this! :D I cracked up at the part where she saw the reader and was like,"Sup?"
    :D

    ReplyDelete

COMMENT! NOW! YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO!