Thursday, November 17, 2011

Ivy Animosity Has A Mission

Ivy Animosity had been told she needed to do something. Something important. Something clever. Something sneaky. And if she was good at anything, it was that exactly. She was to receive a phone call soon, explaining what the actual mission was.

Ivy's phone started ringing. Excitedly, she answered it. "Hello?"

"Is this Ivy Animosity?"

"It is."

"I'm afraid I need you to answer a few questions, just to be sure. How old-"

"I'm 13, have hair that's said to be darker than night, indigo eyes, very pale skin, and have special skills, including reading minds. That answers all the questions, unless there's any new ones."

The caller hesitated. "That answers all of the verification questions," they said. "You have an assignment."

"I heard. Can you tell me what it is?"

Ivy heard the caller looking through papers on the other end of the call. Finally, they found what they were looking for. "You, Ivy Animosity," the caller began as Ivy crossed her fingers, "have been assigned to... to help Miss Anomaly Despair get groceries."

Ivy's face fell. "You're kidding. I... I have to help someone get groceries?"

"Yes. They requested your service in helping with groceries, and will arrive where you are soon. Goodbye." The caller hung up.

Ivy sat down on her couch, disappointed, and kicked the coffee table. The table flew into the air and was smashed to smithereens when it came in contact with the wall. She sighed. That was the third thing she'd broken this week. She crossed her arms and leaned back. She felt insulted. And slightly embarrassed. The Great Ivy Animosity, helping someone with groceries. Sulking, Ivy waited.

About two and a half hours later, Ivy woke up to a knocking at her door. She stood up, stretched, and walked over to the door. She opened it. Standing there was a girl who looked about 23. She had  curly dirty blonde hair and green eyes. Whereas Ivy was wearing a black zip-up jacket, black jeans, black boots, and a shirt with an Irish flag on it, the other girl was wearing grey jeans, a light blue shirt, and white sneakers.

Anomaly Despair looked surprised when Ivy had opened the door. "You're... A thirteen year old."

"Yes, I am," Ivy replied. "Is there a problem with that? I mean, if there is, you could always go get your groceries by yourself."

"Well, I have no problem with it at all. I was just surprised."

"So where are we going to go? Top Foods? QFC? Diagon Alley?"

"None of those places," Anomaly responded. "We're going to the Store."

"A store? There's, like, a million stores around here."

"Not a store, the Store. It's a giant building that sells odd things. But it isn't safe. Some people don't even come out alive."

Ivy looked at her with her indigo eyes. "And you think that scares me? Because it doesn't. Whenever someone says something like that about someplace I go, I come out alive. Usually, the other person does too."

Anomaly shrugged. "I was just giving you a heads up."

"Well then, let's go."

"We're waiting."

"For who?"

"For someone."

Ivy sighed. "You're really annoying, you know that?"

"You aren't the first to tell me that," Anomaly said, then pulled out her phone and checked the time. She put it back in her pocket, then looked at Ivy. "Let's go."

Ivy frowned. "I thought we were waiting for someone."

"No. I was lying. Come on." Anomaly turned and started walking away. Ivy reluctantly followed.

"This is the Store?" Ivy asked skeptically, looking around. They were in a huge building with bad lighting. There weren't too many people, as far as Ivy could see, and the Store had normal things to be selling. Food. Water. Flowers. But the strange part was that in the normal categories, the odd things had mixed in. Very odd things.

"Yep. Don't touch anything. It might try to kill you," Anomaly warned.

Anomaly started walking, motioning for Ivy to stay close.  Making sure Anomaly wasn't looking, Ivy leaned down and poked the nearest thing. It looked sort of like a banana. It bit her hand.

"Ow!" Ivy said, yanking the banana off her hand.

Anomaly turned around, and immediately rushed over to where Ivy was. She looked around, checking that no one had  heard Ivy. "I told you not to touch anything!" Anomaly whispered, irritated.

"And I deliberately disobeyed you," Ivy answered.



"Because I told you to!" Anomaly whispered. "I know you don't want to, but you have to be quiet. And stay near me - I know my way around pretty well."

Ivy rolled her eyes. "If it's so dangerous for me," she whispered, "than how come you wanted to take me with you? You just said to follow you, and to stay quiet, probably so people won't notice us. Here's some news for you: a thirteen-year-old is pretty noticable in here. Especially me, because I look pretty different from everyone I've ever met. Why on earth would you need my help?"

"Because," Anomaly said slowly, "there is somewhere in this store I cannot get past. The part when I need to leave. And I need someone who's a good fighter - you - to help me get out. With my stuff."

"Oh. Well, let's get your groceries, so I can do some fighting."

"Ok." Anomaly lightly gripped Ivy's arm, to make sure she didn't mess with anything or wander off, and started walking.

They walked past some of the oddest things Ivy had ever seen. There were the bananas who bit people...

I'll get back to this in a little while...

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Don't Capture Ivy

Ivy Animosity sighed as Asininity Blunt entered the room. Asininity was short, bony, and not the least bit frightening. He was wearing a ridiculously long cape, and even with a tiny glance, you could tell it was taking him a great effort not to trip on it.

"At last," Asininity said, "I've captured the great Ivy Animosity."

Ivy raised an eyebrow. "I know that I'm great, everyone does, it's obvious, but honestly? I'm thirteen. Was that such a difficult task? If I hadn't been sleeping, you wouldn't have had a chance against me. And how do you know that I'm even Ivy? I could be someone else entirely."

Asininity glared for a moment. "I know you're Ivy. You fit the description I was given."

"So? There could be a thousand other people who look like me."

He shook his head. "No. No, you're the girl with dark hair, the indigo eyes, and the pale skin. I know you're Ivy."

It was true. Ivy had long, wavy hair so dark it looked almost black, and skin so pale you could nearly see her veins. It was her eyes, though, that gave her away. Her eyes were a dark indigo. And she was also known for her unusual skills.

"OK," she said, "fine, I'm Ivy. You guessed correctly. Congratulations. But I feel the need to ask: why'd you capture me in the first place?"

"You tell me. You're the one who can read minds."

"You have no proof."

"Yes, I do."

"Really? Do you? Prove it. Prove that I can read minds."

Asininity grinned, but remained silent. This girl's an idiot, he was thinking. There's no way she could've done everything she's known for.

"Hey!" Ivy shouted. Asininity's smile grew, and Ivy swore under her breath. She instantly knew what she'd done. She'd just proved to him exactly want he wanted her to.

"So you can read minds. Not for long, though. When I'm finished with you--"

Ivy rolled her eyes. "When you're finished with me I'll be a bloody corpse, I'll be regretting my life decisions, I'll be dead, whatever. I'm not the slightest bit scared of you." She paused. "In fact, you're scared of me. I know it."

"I'm not scared of you!" Asininity shouted.

Ivy grinned. "Yes,  you are. You think I'm intimidating."

"I do not!"

"You do. I can read minds, remember?"

Asininity glared. Ivy took one step foward and he practically flinched. Ivy laughed.

"That's it!" Asininity screeched angrily. He put his hand in his pocket and with drew a switch. Grinning at Ivy, he pushed the button on top.

And nothing happened.

He pushed it again, harder this time, and that's when it actually worked.

Ivy heard the wall behind her opening and spun around. A huge blade swung out of the wall. Ivy flipped backwards to dodge it. She looked at Asininity, who was arching an eyebrow at her. She glared at him for a moment then dived to the floor to avoid the spear that flew over her head. She felt the floor around her shifting, so she rolled to the side and jumped up. She heard Asininity's thoughts.

The poison darts, he thought. She'll never be able to dodge those.

Ivy heard something above her moving. She looked up. Hanging from the ceiling, about to fall, were darts tipped with what Ivy knew was poison. She looked at Asininity, who grinned, and pointed above Ivy's head. The darts started falling.

Ivy waited a moment, then decided to use one of her other skills. Ivy clapped her hands together, once, then held them above her head. Two streams of dark blue light shot from her hands, hitting the darts, obliterating them completely.

She heard a gasp and turned around. Asininty was staring at her in complete shock. He was scared. Ivy grinned at him. Then, surprisingly, he grinned back.

The sword in the wall. She won't be able to hear it behind her. That'll stop her.

Ivy dropped to the ground, waiting until she figured it was safe. Then Asininity screamed.

She glanced up. The sword had shot out of the wall, but not at her. It had been in the wall behind him. It had hit Asininity in the side. She looked at him.

"What are you doing?" he gapsed. "Help me!"

Ivy got to her feet and arched an eyebrow. "Help you? You just tried to kill me! No, I'm not helping."

"Please," he whimpered. "Please help me. You can leave afterwards, I promise."

Ivy sighed. She walked over to where Asininity was. He whimpered again. She grabbed the sword's handle and yanked it out of his side.

"Thank you," he said weakly.

"No problem," Ivy said, then punched him in the face and he fell over.

When she was certain she he wasn't going to be able to follow her anytime soon, she turned to the door, taking the sword with her,  and walked away.

The End.

Because Valkyrie decided to look up who she was...

Okay, before I start this story, I'd just like to say that I thought it would be amusing, and it's not really a fan fiction, just a way to entertain other people. And I guarantee it will be entertaining...

Valkyrie Cain sat down at Skulduggery Pleasant's laptop while she waited for Skulduggery to pick out his hat, which took a surprisingly long time, so she decided to go to Google and type in her name.

She was shocked at the amount of results there were for "Valkyrie Cain". She kept seeing one name, and they seemed to know a lot about her, so she clicked on a link.

The link took her to a website called, "Derek Landy Blogs Under Duress". She frowned. How did this guy know so much about her? "Hey Skulduggery," she called, "come look at this. I think we're being... I think we're being stalked."

Skulduggery walked in. He was wearing a black pinstriped suit and a black hat. "Stalked?" he asked. "By someone other than Caelan? Who is it?"

Valkyrie didn't even look at him; her eyes were glued to the screen. "All these people. There's someone named Amanda Moore, Sparky Braginski, Flame Phoenix, Kribu, Kallista, Crystal Darkflair, Mar-Chu, nights.raven, Octaboona, Pyro, Mistical Future, Rosella Embers, Invisible Fly... There's tons of them, all Bloglanders, following this website... There's so many more... Wait." She looked again. "They all seem to, like, love this Derek guy," Valkyrie said. "He's the one who posts these things, then tons of other people comment on it. There's so many people..."

Skulduggery came over to where Valkyrie was sitting. He looked at the screen, then hesitated. "That's really odd," he said. "How could these people all know about us? Are they mortals?"

"I can't tell," Valkyrie said, staring at the posts. Derek Landy. She needed to remember that. She looked a little closer. "Hey, this girl, Valkyrie V., she's... She's obsessed with us. Look!" Valkyrie pointed.

Skulduggery looked at where Valkyrie was pointing. He was shocked, Valkyrie could tell. She was pointing at some of the comments "Valkyrie V." had posted.

"This girl had a party on your deathday, Skulduggery. I mean, it say that she even had a cake. Apparently, October 23rd is this Derek guy's birthday also." She scrolled to the bottom of the page and clicked on "Home". She started scrolling down, then shrieked and leaped out of the chair. Skulduggery looked down at Valkyrie in shock, then looked at the screen and he screamed too.

They were staring at a post called, "First Competition Ends!". There was a photo in that post, and in that photo Valkyrie saw herself, except it was when she was 12. "I never took that photo!" she screamed. "How on earth am I in that photo?!"

Skulduggery didn't move. He just stared. "I don't know," he admitted, speaking slowly. "Are you sure you never took that photo?"

"Yes I'm bloody sure!" Valkyrie shouted. "I have no clue who any of those other people are!"

Skulduggery went back to Google and typed in "Derek Landy". Skulduggery made a sound, a sound of surprise, and read it aloud. "Derek Landy is an Irish author, known for his book series called 'Skulduggery Pleasant', about a sharply dressed skeleton and his dark-haired partner, Valkyrie Cain..." He trailed off. He turned to look at Valkyrie. All the colour had drained from her face.

"Valkyrie," Skulduggery asked cautiously, "are you going to faint again? Do I need to catch you?" She gave a small nod, then closed her eyes and started falling. Skulduggery rushed over and caught her, moved her to the couch, then went back to the computer and started reading again.

Valkyrie woke up to Skulduggery poking her arm. She looked at him, then looked at the ceiling. "Was all that real? With the stalkers, and the photo?"

"Unfortunately," Skulduggery said, pulling Valkyrie to her feet, "it was real. Very real. A little too real. And I've found Derek Landy."

"Are we going to go after him?" Valkyrie wanted to. She needed to figure this out.

"Yes, we are. We're leaving. Right now."

About thirty minutes later, the Bentley pulled up to the mysterious Derek Landy's house. Skulduggery activated his facade and got out first, checked that it was clear, then beckoned for Valkyrie to join him. They approached the door. Skulduggery knocked three times, then stepped back and waited for an answer. A few minutes  later, a man came out. Valkyrie thought he looked pretty cool.

"Hello," Skulduggery said. "Are you Derek Landy?"
"I am," Derek Landy replied. "And you are...?"

"I think you know," Valkyrie said. "We saw your website."

Derek thought for a moment, then nodded to himself, then realised who was standing in front of him. He looked at them. "Are you guys seriously Skulduggery and Val?"

"We are," Skulduggery said, tapping the tattoos etched into his collar bones, and his face flowed down, leaving his gleaming skull visible. "May we come in?"

"Yeah, sure," Derek said, then lead them into the living room. He sat down and grinned. "So, how are you guys? Saved the world recently?"

"Oh yes," Skulduggery said. "You know, the usual stuff. Bad guys, monsters, dark gods... Same as always. Until earlier."

"Earlier," Valkyrie said, "was when we saw your blog. 'Derek Landy Blogs Under Duress'. We were wondering, because we found it ever so slightly odd, how come you know so much about us?"

Derek hesitated. He looked at them both. "You guys really don't know?"

"We don't have the slightest idea," Valkyrie said, "and the only thing we could come up with is that you're stalking us."

"Stalking you?" Derek laughed. "No, no, I'm not stalking you. Skulduggery, do you have any thoughts? You are a detective."

"I wish I did," Skulduggery said, "but I honestly have no clue."

"Well," Derek said, "what would you do if told you that you're both characters from a book?"

Valkyrie stared at him. "What?!"

"Because you are. I thought of you."

Valkyrie turned and looked at Skulduggery. "Do you hear what he's saying?!"

"I may not have ears, but yes, I do." Skulduggery looked at Derek. "So we're just figments of your imagination?"

Derek nodded slowly. "Basically, yes, you are. But don't worry, I'm obviously amazing, so you guys are too."

"Well, that's good to know," Skulduggery said. "So if you wrote about us, then how come this is happening now? I mean, I don't see a piece of paper and a pen in your hands."

"Oh," Derek said. "Well, I have no control over right now."

Valkyrie frowned. "You don't? Then who does?"

He pointed through the computer screen, directly at me, the one typing the story. "She does. She's one of my Ameriminions."

Valkyrie stared at Derek, then at me. "This doesn't make any sense! How is this happening?!"

"Because I'm making it happen," I said. This was really fun. "I can prove it. Say the name of someone who isn't here right now."

"Um..." Valkyrie said, "Er... how about... the girl in that photo I saw? She'd be interesting to meet, I suppose."

I appeared in the room, behind Skulduggery, Valkyrie, and Derek. "Boo!" I shouted. They all spun around. "I told you, " I smiled.

Skulduggery looked back and forth from the screen where I was and from where I was standing, in the same room. "How are you in both places?!"

"Because," I said, trying my best not to giggle, "I'm the Narrator, and I'm also a character." I waved to Derek. "Hi! I really, really, really, really really want to meet you in real life. Too bad we're in entirely different countries. But don't worry, I'm working on going to Ireland and finding you, just you wait." I looked at Valkyrie. She was looking at me warily. "What? You asked for the girl in the picture, so I came."

"But," Valkyrie said, "that doesn't explain why there's two younger versions of me - you right here and you as in the Narrator -  in the same room."

"It does a little. If you really pay attention."

Valkyrie sighed.

"Hehehe. I made you sigh just now."

"No, you didn't."

"Yes, actually, I did, because I'm the Narrator, and I'm also making you argue, because it's funny."

"So," Derek said, "is this getting anywhere? Because, Val V, I think you like to annoy yourself."

"You're right. I do. It's amusing to me, and the audience." I peered at the reader through the screen. "'Sup."

The reader's head jerked back and they made an odd face.

I laughed. "Ha, funny again."

"Well," Skulduggery said, "this has been amusing, but I'm afraid Valkyrie and I have to go, because Valkyrie V is typing that we're leaving now. So bye!"

"Bye," Valkyrie said, following him out the door.

Derek looked at me. "I don't have to leave, do I? After all, it's my imaginary house we're in."

"Hmm," I said. "Well, on account of that, I suppose you don't have to leave. But I'm going. Narrator! We're leaving!"

"OK," I said. And then I  - the person in Derek's house and the Narrator -  left, causing the story to abruptly end.

The End.