Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Please Follow!

If you follow this blog, but not my other one, please follow it! It's my blog for nonsense and mischief, funny photos and random Skulduggery-related things.


I swear it's amazing! I made it! And if you don't follow either of the blogs, follow both! I really appreciate those of you who do! Please please please please follow!

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Oh, what a dramatic change of character...

If you've read my other stories, you know the characters I commonly use, right? I like using Skulduggery and Valkyrie, but I've made up a few of my own. In particular, I'm thinking of a certain girl who most people have seemed to like very much. But what if I decided to change her completely? You'd be shocked at what I did if you've read about her before this. What if I were to, oh, I don't know, do this?:

            The pale girl with black hair and indigo eyes grinned as the man screamed in agony, withering in pain on the ground in front of her. He looked up at her, crying and begging for her to leave him alone.
“Please…” he barely managed to say, “please stop… I… don’t understand…”
“You don’t understand?” the girl asked. “Are you sure? Because you seemed to understand perfectly fine until I did that.” She gestured to the arm soaking in a pool of blood to her left.
“But…” he grimaced in pain. “But… You didn’t even give me a chance…”
“No, I said, ‘I’m going to count to ten, and if you don’t tell me where Anomaly Despair is by that time, I will tear your arm off.’ And I counted to ten, and by that time you hadn’t told me where she was, so pulling your arm off was entirely necessary.”
The man moved his head slightly, and the girl assumed that it was a pathetic attempt at shaking his head. “You’re… thirteen… there’s no way you… could’ve possibly… done this…”
She rolled her eyes. “How is being thirteen a reason that I couldn’t have done this? If you doubt it, you can ask your arm’s opinion on this one.”
“It isn’t… funny… What you did… is monstrous…”
“Is it? I honestly found it hilarious. You probably couldn’t hear it over your screams of pain and misery, but I was laughing the whole time.”
“I’ll tell you… about Miss Despair… if you leave me alone…”
“Fine. Tell me and I’ll consider.”
“She’s… in Washington State… somewhere near Seattle…”
The girl tilted her head, a slight grin on her face. “Thank you,” she said.
“And will you… let me live?”
“Why, of course I will,” she said. She knelt down to where he was, pulled him to his feet, then smacked him with so much force his head came right off. “And to everyone who doesn’t know what I just did, you’re still alive.”
The girl, Ivy Animosity, stepped over the body, then heard a rustling in the forest beside her…

Then what would you think about her?

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Ivy Animosity Has A Mission

Ivy Animosity had been told she needed to do something. Something important. Something clever. Something sneaky. And if she was good at anything, it was that exactly. She was to receive a phone call soon, explaining what the actual mission was.

Ivy's phone started ringing. Excitedly, she answered it. "Hello?"

"Is this Ivy Animosity?"

"It is."

"I'm afraid I need you to answer a few questions, just to be sure. How old-"

"I'm 13, have hair that's said to be darker than night, indigo eyes, very pale skin, and have special skills, including reading minds. That answers all the questions, unless there's any new ones."

The caller hesitated. "That answers all of the verification questions," they said. "You have an assignment."

"I heard. Can you tell me what it is?"

Ivy heard the caller looking through papers on the other end of the call. Finally, they found what they were looking for. "You, Ivy Animosity," the caller began as Ivy crossed her fingers, "have been assigned to... to help Miss Anomaly Despair get groceries."

Ivy's face fell. "You're kidding. I... I have to help someone get groceries?"

"Yes. They requested your service in helping with groceries, and will arrive where you are soon. Goodbye." The caller hung up.

Ivy sat down on her couch, disappointed, and kicked the coffee table. The table flew into the air and was smashed to smithereens when it came in contact with the wall. She sighed. That was the third thing she'd broken this week. She crossed her arms and leaned back. She felt insulted. And slightly embarrassed. The Great Ivy Animosity, helping someone with groceries. Sulking, Ivy waited.

About two and a half hours later, Ivy woke up to a knocking at her door. She stood up, stretched, and walked over to the door. She opened it. Standing there was a girl who looked about 23. She had  curly dirty blonde hair and green eyes. Whereas Ivy was wearing a black zip-up jacket, black jeans, black boots, and a shirt with an Irish flag on it, the other girl was wearing grey jeans, a light blue shirt, and white sneakers.

Anomaly Despair looked surprised when Ivy had opened the door. "You're... A thirteen year old."

"Yes, I am," Ivy replied. "Is there a problem with that? I mean, if there is, you could always go get your groceries by yourself."

"Well, I have no problem with it at all. I was just surprised."

"So where are we going to go? Top Foods? QFC? Diagon Alley?"

"None of those places," Anomaly responded. "We're going to the Store."

"A store? There's, like, a million stores around here."

"Not a store, the Store. It's a giant building that sells odd things. But it isn't safe. Some people don't even come out alive."

Ivy looked at her with her indigo eyes. "And you think that scares me? Because it doesn't. Whenever someone says something like that about someplace I go, I come out alive. Usually, the other person does too."

Anomaly shrugged. "I was just giving you a heads up."

"Well then, let's go."

"We're waiting."

"For who?"

"For someone."

Ivy sighed. "You're really annoying, you know that?"

"You aren't the first to tell me that," Anomaly said, then pulled out her phone and checked the time. She put it back in her pocket, then looked at Ivy. "Let's go."

Ivy frowned. "I thought we were waiting for someone."

"No. I was lying. Come on." Anomaly turned and started walking away. Ivy reluctantly followed.

"This is the Store?" Ivy asked skeptically, looking around. They were in a huge building with bad lighting. There weren't too many people, as far as Ivy could see, and the Store had normal things to be selling. Food. Water. Flowers. But the strange part was that in the normal categories, the odd things had mixed in. Very odd things.

"Yep. Don't touch anything. It might try to kill you," Anomaly warned.

Anomaly started walking, motioning for Ivy to stay close.  Making sure Anomaly wasn't looking, Ivy leaned down and poked the nearest thing. It looked sort of like a banana. It bit her hand.

"Ow!" Ivy said, yanking the banana off her hand.

Anomaly turned around, and immediately rushed over to where Ivy was. She looked around, checking that no one had  heard Ivy. "I told you not to touch anything!" Anomaly whispered, irritated.

"And I deliberately disobeyed you," Ivy answered.



"Because I told you to!" Anomaly whispered. "I know you don't want to, but you have to be quiet. And stay near me - I know my way around pretty well."

Ivy rolled her eyes. "If it's so dangerous for me," she whispered, "than how come you wanted to take me with you? You just said to follow you, and to stay quiet, probably so people won't notice us. Here's some news for you: a thirteen-year-old is pretty noticable in here. Especially me, because I look pretty different from everyone I've ever met. Why on earth would you need my help?"

"Because," Anomaly said slowly, "there is somewhere in this store I cannot get past. The part when I need to leave. And I need someone who's a good fighter - you - to help me get out. With my stuff."

"Oh. Well, let's get your groceries, so I can do some fighting."

"Ok." Anomaly lightly gripped Ivy's arm, to make sure she didn't mess with anything or wander off, and started walking.

They walked past some of the oddest things Ivy had ever seen. There were the bananas who bit people...

I'll get back to this in a little while...

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Don't Capture Ivy

Ivy Animosity sighed as Asininity Blunt entered the room. Asininity was short, bony, and not the least bit frightening. He was wearing a ridiculously long cape, and even with a tiny glance, you could tell it was taking him a great effort not to trip on it.

"At last," Asininity said, "I've captured the great Ivy Animosity."

Ivy raised an eyebrow. "I know that I'm great, everyone does, it's obvious, but honestly? I'm thirteen. Was that such a difficult task? If I hadn't been sleeping, you wouldn't have had a chance against me. And how do you know that I'm even Ivy? I could be someone else entirely."

Asininity glared for a moment. "I know you're Ivy. You fit the description I was given."

"So? There could be a thousand other people who look like me."

He shook his head. "No. No, you're the girl with dark hair, the indigo eyes, and the pale skin. I know you're Ivy."

It was true. Ivy had long, wavy hair so dark it looked almost black, and skin so pale you could nearly see her veins. It was her eyes, though, that gave her away. Her eyes were a dark indigo. And she was also known for her unusual skills.

"OK," she said, "fine, I'm Ivy. You guessed correctly. Congratulations. But I feel the need to ask: why'd you capture me in the first place?"

"You tell me. You're the one who can read minds."

"You have no proof."

"Yes, I do."

"Really? Do you? Prove it. Prove that I can read minds."

Asininity grinned, but remained silent. This girl's an idiot, he was thinking. There's no way she could've done everything she's known for.

"Hey!" Ivy shouted. Asininity's smile grew, and Ivy swore under her breath. She instantly knew what she'd done. She'd just proved to him exactly want he wanted her to.

"So you can read minds. Not for long, though. When I'm finished with you--"

Ivy rolled her eyes. "When you're finished with me I'll be a bloody corpse, I'll be regretting my life decisions, I'll be dead, whatever. I'm not the slightest bit scared of you." She paused. "In fact, you're scared of me. I know it."

"I'm not scared of you!" Asininity shouted.

Ivy grinned. "Yes,  you are. You think I'm intimidating."

"I do not!"

"You do. I can read minds, remember?"

Asininity glared. Ivy took one step foward and he practically flinched. Ivy laughed.

"That's it!" Asininity screeched angrily. He put his hand in his pocket and with drew a switch. Grinning at Ivy, he pushed the button on top.

And nothing happened.

He pushed it again, harder this time, and that's when it actually worked.

Ivy heard the wall behind her opening and spun around. A huge blade swung out of the wall. Ivy flipped backwards to dodge it. She looked at Asininity, who was arching an eyebrow at her. She glared at him for a moment then dived to the floor to avoid the spear that flew over her head. She felt the floor around her shifting, so she rolled to the side and jumped up. She heard Asininity's thoughts.

The poison darts, he thought. She'll never be able to dodge those.

Ivy heard something above her moving. She looked up. Hanging from the ceiling, about to fall, were darts tipped with what Ivy knew was poison. She looked at Asininity, who grinned, and pointed above Ivy's head. The darts started falling.

Ivy waited a moment, then decided to use one of her other skills. Ivy clapped her hands together, once, then held them above her head. Two streams of dark blue light shot from her hands, hitting the darts, obliterating them completely.

She heard a gasp and turned around. Asininty was staring at her in complete shock. He was scared. Ivy grinned at him. Then, surprisingly, he grinned back.

The sword in the wall. She won't be able to hear it behind her. That'll stop her.

Ivy dropped to the ground, waiting until she figured it was safe. Then Asininity screamed.

She glanced up. The sword had shot out of the wall, but not at her. It had been in the wall behind him. It had hit Asininity in the side. She looked at him.

"What are you doing?" he gapsed. "Help me!"

Ivy got to her feet and arched an eyebrow. "Help you? You just tried to kill me! No, I'm not helping."

"Please," he whimpered. "Please help me. You can leave afterwards, I promise."

Ivy sighed. She walked over to where Asininity was. He whimpered again. She grabbed the sword's handle and yanked it out of his side.

"Thank you," he said weakly.

"No problem," Ivy said, then punched him in the face and he fell over.

When she was certain she he wasn't going to be able to follow her anytime soon, she turned to the door, taking the sword with her,  and walked away.

The End.

Because Valkyrie decided to look up who she was...

Okay, before I start this story, I'd just like to say that I thought it would be amusing, and it's not really a fan fiction, just a way to entertain other people. And I guarantee it will be entertaining...

Valkyrie Cain sat down at Skulduggery Pleasant's laptop while she waited for Skulduggery to pick out his hat, which took a surprisingly long time, so she decided to go to Google and type in her name.

She was shocked at the amount of results there were for "Valkyrie Cain". She kept seeing one name, and they seemed to know a lot about her, so she clicked on a link.

The link took her to a website called, "Derek Landy Blogs Under Duress". She frowned. How did this guy know so much about her? "Hey Skulduggery," she called, "come look at this. I think we're being... I think we're being stalked."

Skulduggery walked in. He was wearing a black pinstriped suit and a black hat. "Stalked?" he asked. "By someone other than Caelan? Who is it?"

Valkyrie didn't even look at him; her eyes were glued to the screen. "All these people. There's someone named Amanda Moore, Sparky Braginski, Flame Phoenix, Kribu, Kallista, Crystal Darkflair, Mar-Chu, nights.raven, Octaboona, Pyro, Mistical Future, Rosella Embers, Invisible Fly... There's tons of them, all Bloglanders, following this website... There's so many more... Wait." She looked again. "They all seem to, like, love this Derek guy," Valkyrie said. "He's the one who posts these things, then tons of other people comment on it. There's so many people..."

Skulduggery came over to where Valkyrie was sitting. He looked at the screen, then hesitated. "That's really odd," he said. "How could these people all know about us? Are they mortals?"

"I can't tell," Valkyrie said, staring at the posts. Derek Landy. She needed to remember that. She looked a little closer. "Hey, this girl, Valkyrie V., she's... She's obsessed with us. Look!" Valkyrie pointed.

Skulduggery looked at where Valkyrie was pointing. He was shocked, Valkyrie could tell. She was pointing at some of the comments "Valkyrie V." had posted.

"This girl had a party on your deathday, Skulduggery. I mean, it say that she even had a cake. Apparently, October 23rd is this Derek guy's birthday also." She scrolled to the bottom of the page and clicked on "Home". She started scrolling down, then shrieked and leaped out of the chair. Skulduggery looked down at Valkyrie in shock, then looked at the screen and he screamed too.

They were staring at a post called, "First Competition Ends!". There was a photo in that post, and in that photo Valkyrie saw herself, except it was when she was 12. "I never took that photo!" she screamed. "How on earth am I in that photo?!"

Skulduggery didn't move. He just stared. "I don't know," he admitted, speaking slowly. "Are you sure you never took that photo?"

"Yes I'm bloody sure!" Valkyrie shouted. "I have no clue who any of those other people are!"

Skulduggery went back to Google and typed in "Derek Landy". Skulduggery made a sound, a sound of surprise, and read it aloud. "Derek Landy is an Irish author, known for his book series called 'Skulduggery Pleasant', about a sharply dressed skeleton and his dark-haired partner, Valkyrie Cain..." He trailed off. He turned to look at Valkyrie. All the colour had drained from her face.

"Valkyrie," Skulduggery asked cautiously, "are you going to faint again? Do I need to catch you?" She gave a small nod, then closed her eyes and started falling. Skulduggery rushed over and caught her, moved her to the couch, then went back to the computer and started reading again.

Valkyrie woke up to Skulduggery poking her arm. She looked at him, then looked at the ceiling. "Was all that real? With the stalkers, and the photo?"

"Unfortunately," Skulduggery said, pulling Valkyrie to her feet, "it was real. Very real. A little too real. And I've found Derek Landy."

"Are we going to go after him?" Valkyrie wanted to. She needed to figure this out.

"Yes, we are. We're leaving. Right now."

About thirty minutes later, the Bentley pulled up to the mysterious Derek Landy's house. Skulduggery activated his facade and got out first, checked that it was clear, then beckoned for Valkyrie to join him. They approached the door. Skulduggery knocked three times, then stepped back and waited for an answer. A few minutes  later, a man came out. Valkyrie thought he looked pretty cool.

"Hello," Skulduggery said. "Are you Derek Landy?"
"I am," Derek Landy replied. "And you are...?"

"I think you know," Valkyrie said. "We saw your website."

Derek thought for a moment, then nodded to himself, then realised who was standing in front of him. He looked at them. "Are you guys seriously Skulduggery and Val?"

"We are," Skulduggery said, tapping the tattoos etched into his collar bones, and his face flowed down, leaving his gleaming skull visible. "May we come in?"

"Yeah, sure," Derek said, then lead them into the living room. He sat down and grinned. "So, how are you guys? Saved the world recently?"

"Oh yes," Skulduggery said. "You know, the usual stuff. Bad guys, monsters, dark gods... Same as always. Until earlier."

"Earlier," Valkyrie said, "was when we saw your blog. 'Derek Landy Blogs Under Duress'. We were wondering, because we found it ever so slightly odd, how come you know so much about us?"

Derek hesitated. He looked at them both. "You guys really don't know?"

"We don't have the slightest idea," Valkyrie said, "and the only thing we could come up with is that you're stalking us."

"Stalking you?" Derek laughed. "No, no, I'm not stalking you. Skulduggery, do you have any thoughts? You are a detective."

"I wish I did," Skulduggery said, "but I honestly have no clue."

"Well," Derek said, "what would you do if told you that you're both characters from a book?"

Valkyrie stared at him. "What?!"

"Because you are. I thought of you."

Valkyrie turned and looked at Skulduggery. "Do you hear what he's saying?!"

"I may not have ears, but yes, I do." Skulduggery looked at Derek. "So we're just figments of your imagination?"

Derek nodded slowly. "Basically, yes, you are. But don't worry, I'm obviously amazing, so you guys are too."

"Well, that's good to know," Skulduggery said. "So if you wrote about us, then how come this is happening now? I mean, I don't see a piece of paper and a pen in your hands."

"Oh," Derek said. "Well, I have no control over right now."

Valkyrie frowned. "You don't? Then who does?"

He pointed through the computer screen, directly at me, the one typing the story. "She does. She's one of my Ameriminions."

Valkyrie stared at Derek, then at me. "This doesn't make any sense! How is this happening?!"

"Because I'm making it happen," I said. This was really fun. "I can prove it. Say the name of someone who isn't here right now."

"Um..." Valkyrie said, "Er... how about... the girl in that photo I saw? She'd be interesting to meet, I suppose."

I appeared in the room, behind Skulduggery, Valkyrie, and Derek. "Boo!" I shouted. They all spun around. "I told you, " I smiled.

Skulduggery looked back and forth from the screen where I was and from where I was standing, in the same room. "How are you in both places?!"

"Because," I said, trying my best not to giggle, "I'm the Narrator, and I'm also a character." I waved to Derek. "Hi! I really, really, really, really really want to meet you in real life. Too bad we're in entirely different countries. But don't worry, I'm working on going to Ireland and finding you, just you wait." I looked at Valkyrie. She was looking at me warily. "What? You asked for the girl in the picture, so I came."

"But," Valkyrie said, "that doesn't explain why there's two younger versions of me - you right here and you as in the Narrator -  in the same room."

"It does a little. If you really pay attention."

Valkyrie sighed.

"Hehehe. I made you sigh just now."

"No, you didn't."

"Yes, actually, I did, because I'm the Narrator, and I'm also making you argue, because it's funny."

"So," Derek said, "is this getting anywhere? Because, Val V, I think you like to annoy yourself."

"You're right. I do. It's amusing to me, and the audience." I peered at the reader through the screen. "'Sup."

The reader's head jerked back and they made an odd face.

I laughed. "Ha, funny again."

"Well," Skulduggery said, "this has been amusing, but I'm afraid Valkyrie and I have to go, because Valkyrie V is typing that we're leaving now. So bye!"

"Bye," Valkyrie said, following him out the door.

Derek looked at me. "I don't have to leave, do I? After all, it's my imaginary house we're in."

"Hmm," I said. "Well, on account of that, I suppose you don't have to leave. But I'm going. Narrator! We're leaving!"

"OK," I said. And then I  - the person in Derek's house and the Narrator -  left, causing the story to abruptly end.

The End.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Valkyrie and Ivy

Valkyrie Cain wandered through the Sanctuary, waiting for Skulduggery to call her, when suddenly she saw someone she'd never seen before. Normally, Valkyrie would've ignored it, but there was something about this person Valkyrie found odd. The girl was young. She looked even younger than Valkyrie's age. Maybe about 13. Valkyrie frowned. As far as she was aware, she was the youngest person officially working for the Sanctuary. "Excuse me?" Valkyrie said.

The girl turned around. Valkyrie hesitated. The girl had wavy black hair, almost as dark as China Sorrows. Her eyes were so dark they looked nearly black, but the longer Valkyrie looked, she realised they were actually more of an indigo colour. She had skin so pale you could practically see her veins, and she was wearing a black zip-up jacket, a deep red shirt, black jeans and black boots. In Valkyrie's opinion, she looked pretty scary.

The girl smiled and Valkyrie realised she had been silent for a few seconds. Valkyrie quickly said, "I know it isn't exactly any of  my business, but I've never really seen you before."

"It's okay," the girl said. She had a soft voice. She paused a moment and said, "I'm Ivy Animosity. Hello, Valkyrie Cain."

Valkyrie blinked. How did she learn her name? Valkyrie hadn't told her. "Um... Hello Miss Animosity."

"You can call me Ivy," Ivy said politely. "May I call you Valkyrie?"

 "Sure," Valkyrie said a little uncertainly. "I know this is a completely over used question, but honestly, I have to ask: how did you know my name?"

"I can read minds."

Valkyrie arched an eyebrow. "Wow. So what am I thinking?"

Ivy closed her eyes for a moment, then opened them and said, "Sorry. My appearance is different than my personality. I'm not as scary as I look." She smiled.

Valkyrie felt the heat rise in her face. "Oh. Sorry. It's just... You do look a little scary. No offense."

"None taken. Besides, I'm not the only scary one here. You can be scary."

Valkyrie suddenly didn't feel comfortable with her mind being read. "Like how?"

"You know how. And I promise with my life that I won't tell." Ivy paused. "This isn't the best first impression, is it? Do you want to start over?"

"Sure." Valkyrie had to laugh. "Okay, so, um, I'm Valkyrie Cain, and I haven't met you and I most certainly am not restarting a conversation, I'm just, you know, walking through the halls..."

Ivy grinned. "Why, hello Valkyrie, I'm Ivy Animosity. Pleasure to meet you."

"Same to you," Valkyrie smiled back. "What do you like to do?"

"Oh, you know, just the obvious. Scaring people and reading minds. What about you?"

"Nothing much... Just save the world."

"Interesting..." Ivy's phone rang and she answered it. "Hello? Yes, this is Ivy. I'm fine, just talking to someone I just met... She's cool, yes. You're so annoying, you know that? I'm hanging up." Ivy closed her phone.

"Who was it?" Valkyrie asked.

"My brother. He's annoying."

"Ah. I don't have any brothers, just a baby sister."

"Cool! I want a baby sister..."

Valkyrie had to smile. "She's adorable... Her name's Alice."

"That's a pretty name," Ivy said, nodding. Her phone beeped. "Aw... Sorry Valkyrie, I have to go. It was lovely meeting you."

"It was lovely meeting you, too, Ivy. Can I walk with you? I need to get going anyway. Skulduggery's going to be here any minute now."

Ivy looked at her and Valkyrie could see the excitment on her face. "You know Skulduggery Pleasant? That is so cool! I've heard so many stories about  him..." She paused for a moment. "Oh! You're his partner! I knew your name sounded familiar!" She was obviously impressed.

"Well," Valkyrie said, a little bit in disbelief and a little in amusement, "you can meet him if you'd like." Now Vakyrie's phone beeped. "Isn't that perfect timing? He's here now."

Ivy beamed. "I can really meet him? Will you show me where to go?"

"I thought you're brother was here."

"He is. But I'd rather meet Skulduggery."


"So can I meet him?"

"Sure, Ivy." Valkyrie and Ivy started walking towards the exit.

"This is amazing," Ivy said. "I've heard so many stories about you two. I don't think I could ever save the world."

"Sure you could," Valkyrie said, "with practise."


They walked outside and Skulduggery Pleasant, wearing a pinstriped suit and matching hat, was waiting, leaning against the Bentley. "Hello Valkyrie." He nodded in Ivy's direction. "Who's your friend?"

"This is Ivy Animosity," Valkyrie said. "She really wanted to meet you."

"Ah." Skulduggery looked at Ivy. "Hello, Ivy." He reached out and they shook hands.

"It's an honour to meet you, Detective," Ivy said, smiling. "I've heard so many stories of you two, going on adventures, saving the world..."

"Well," Skulduggery said, "I'm sure that at least most of the stories are true." He pulled out his pocket watch. "I'm afraid that Valkyrie and I have to go, because we need to figure out some way to save the world once again. It was lovely to meet you, Ivy."

"And I'll never forget meeting you." Ivy smiled. Her phone started ringing. She pulled it out of her pocket, looked at the number, but didn't answer it. "Well, I guess I have to leave too. I hope we meet again."

"I hope so too," Valkyrie said. She really liked Ivy. She seemed nice. "Bye."

"Bye," Ivy said, then turned around and left.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Halloween with the Detectives and the Sanctuary

Skulduggery Pleasant parked the 1954 black Bentley and got out. He was wearing all black today - black shirt, black hat, black jacket - due to the occasion and his skull gleamed in the moonlight. Valkyrie Cain got out after him. She was nearly 17 and was tall, had dark hair, dark eyes, and was wearing her usual black outfit made to protect her. They walked over to the boot of the Bentley, opened it, and took out a small black bag. As they quietly crept away, Valkyrie glanced at the back of Skulduggery's head.

"Are you sure we'll be able to get away with this?" she whispered.

"Almost positive," he whispered in his velvety voice. "However, the chances are we're going to fail horribly, so be prepared if we're attacked by Cleavers."


"Don't worry. If that happens - which it probably will - I'm sure I can talk our way out of it. Besides, you're the one who wanted to do something fun for Halloween."

Valkyrie muttered something under her breath, but Skulduggery ignored it. They were silent as they crept onwards, and were approaching the Sanctuary's main entrance. Skulduggery motioned for her to stay put for a moment, and he peeked out, then nodded to her and they walked to the back of the building.

When they stopped, Valkyrie glanced around and asked, "Where's Shudder?"

"He should be here any second now," Skulduggery said, then tilted his head like he'd heard something. "Hide."

They ducked down. Skulduggery peeked out, then tapped her arm, then stood up. Valkyrie stood up as well. Walking towards them was Anton Shudder. He was tall, had long black hair, and he too was wearing black. "I can't believe I agreed to this," he grumbled.

"Well," Skulduggery said, "it was either you come or I tell Valkyrie the story, and you decided to come. Or, if you prefer that I make a tremendous fool out of you, you can always change your mind."

He sighed but didn't offer to change his mind.

Skulduggery reached a hand into the black bag and pulled something out. A hammer.

"What on earth are we going to do with that?" Valkyrie asked skeptically.

"We're going to smash windows with it, Valkyrie."

"Seriously? In the Sanctuary?"

"Seriously. In the Sanctuary."

"And what are we going to do? Put up decorations? You haven't even told me why you chose here in the first place."

"I chose here because His Highnesses Ghastly and Erskine are here, being boring, and need something to scare them."

"That doesn't seem like like a very good reason to me," Valkyrie muttered.

"You never answered her question, though," Shudder said. "What exactly will we be doing here?"

"We're going to smash a window. From there, just follow my lead."

Valkyrie sighed and Shudder shook his head and said something under his breath.

"I'm glad you two have so much faith in my plan," Skulduggery said, nodding.

"What?" Valkyrie said. "What's this? We actually have a plan?"

"Did I say that? I was lying. Valkyrie, would you like to do the honour of smashing the helpless window over here?"

"Sounds like fun," she said, a smile forming. "But what do we do after I smash it?"

"We crawl through."

"Won't smashing it sound an alarm?"

"Of course it will."

"And won't they know we're here?"

"Not if we crawl really fast."

"You are so annoying," she said, but took the hammer from him. "So I just smash it? Just swing the hammer into it?"

"What could be easier?"

"Fine. Stand behind me so you can get in faster."

Shudder and Skulduggery stood almost a half a meter behind her. She thought about what would be the best way to do this so she took a step back then brought the hammer behind her quickly and was about to bring it forward when it hit something and she heard someone behind her cry out.

She turned around just in time to see Skulduggery crumple to the ground. She clasped a hand over her mouth and was trying not to shake with laughter. She had hit Skulduggery - right between the eye sockets - and now he was curled up on the ground, silently angry. She looked at Shudder to see him doing his best not to smile.

Skulduggery got up and Valkyrie stepped back, trying so hard not to laugh she was practically crying. Skulduggery brushed the dirt off his suit, and tilted his head to her slightly.

"Nice aim you've got there, Valkyrie."

"That's what I was thinking," Valkyrie said, grinning.

"Well, I have been thinking, and I have decided that it would be the best for everyone's safety if you gave that to me." He held out his hand.

"Aw, and I thought I was doing so well with it." But she gave him the hammer anyway.

"I'm not quite regretting my decision anymore," Shudder said.

"And I'm sure you both thought that was hilarious," Skulduggery said. "But now let's get to what's fun for everyone."

"Which is...?" Valkyrie asked.

"Smashing windows and breaking into the Sanctuary."


Skulduggery motioned for them to step back - further back than when Valkyrie had told them to - and swung the hammer though the glass. An alarm sounded.

"Quick!" Skulduggery said. "Crawl through!"

Shudder hopped through quickly. Valkyrie started to crawl through, but it was harder than it looked. Skulduggery put the hammer in the bag and tossed it through the window. He wrapped an arm around Valkyrie's waist and jumped through the window, careful to keep the glass shards away from Valkyrie's head.

They heard the footsteps of running Cleavers coming closer. Skulduggery grabbed the bag and they ran through the corridor, went into an empty room. Shudder and Valkyrie ran in, and just as Skulduggery did, he shouted, "Prisoners escaping!"

He shut the door behind him and they all ducked down. They heard running footsteps pass by. About a minute later Skulduggery risked a glance out of the window on the door. "It's safe," he said.

"So what do we do when we're out of here?" Valkyrie asked. "Where are we going to go?"

"We're going to go to the room where the Elders have their very important and boring meetings, and we're going to stir things up."

"Using what?"

"The equipment I packed in this bag." He held up the black bag. "I have a voice-distorting device that should make me sound like whoever I wish to."

"Can I try it?"

"I don't know. Can you?"

She sighed. "May I try it?"

"Of course."

He handed it to her. She twisted a knob on it. "Do I just push this button and speak into it?"

"You hold it down."

"Oh." She held down the button and spoke into it. "Like this?" she asked in a voice so high pitched Shudder covered his ears. "Ha ha... I bet this is what Skulduggery sounded like as a kid."

"I did not." Skulduggery took it from her and twisted the knob in the opposite direction. "Valkyrie," he said in a voice so deep it was barely audible, "this is your conscience. Stay away from vampires--"

"That's enough," Valkyrie said, trying to pull it from Skulduggery's grasp. Skulduggery didn't let go, however, and they began to grapple for the small voice-changer.

"Valkyrie," Skulduggery continued as Valkyrie desperately tried to pull it away, "vampires are stupid. They are just poop on legs--"

"Give... it... to... me..." Valkyrie said through gritted teeth. Skulduggery started laughing, but just then Shudder stood up and grabbed the voice-changer from their grasp.

"I feel like an annoyed parent right now," Shudder said in his quiet voice, glancing downwards at the two of them. "We're here to scare Ghastly and Erskine, aren't we? Let's do that."

Valkyrie and Skulduggery disentangled themselves from each other. "Way to spoil the fun, Shudder," Skulduggery said. "But I suppose your right - we do need to get to work."

Skulduggery took the voice-changer from Shudder and put it in his bag. He walked over to the door, but just as he was about to open it, he heard footsteps again. They dropped back to the floor, and heard someone grab the doorknob. Valkyrie glanced at Shudder, who glanced back at her, then they both glanced at Skulduggery, who was sitting directly beneath the door. They heard something click, and the footsteps passed. They waited a moment before getting up.

Skulduggery got up and waited until both Shudder and Valkyrie were standing before opening the door. He motioned for them to stay put, then twisted the knob.


Skulduggery twisted it again, faster this time, then turned around. He looked at Valkyrie, who was arching an eyebrow at him, then at Shudder, who was giving him a look similar to a glare.

"Um," Skulduggery began, "it appears that we're... stuck."

"Stuck?" Valkyrie asked.

"Locked in."

Shudder sighed quietly but irritably. As far as Valkyrie could tell, Shudder was not enjoying this.
"Can't you pick the lock?" she asked, looking at Skulduggery.

"I'm afraid I can't. It's locked on the outside, you see, and we're on the inside."

"Ah. That's... that's..." Her head drooped. "That is really, really, annoying."

"It is indeed."

"Are there any air vents or anything to crawl out of in here?"

"Not that I can see, no."

"Then how do we get out?"

"Break the window on the door."

"I could've guessed that. And will that sound another alarm?"

"This is a small, useless room, Valkyrie, not the Gaol. I'm sure we'll be fine."

Shudder cleared his throat loudly. "Might I suggest that we get going? Isn't there a certain time that the Elders will have to go in their meeting room?"

Valkyrie hesitated. "I hadn't thought of that," she said.

Shudder finally was something other than grumpy. "And what about you, Skulduggery? Had you thought of that?"

"Of course I had," Skulduggery said. "I just was waiting for someone else to... think about it before... I... uh..." He faltered. "No," he confessed.

"Wow," Shudder said, "I thought of something before Skulduggery. How does that make you feel, Skulduggery?"

"It makes me feel like you sound like a therapist. Now let's get out of here, unless, of course, Shudder will allow me to tell a certain story to Valkyrie."

"Let's get out now."

"That's a shame." He picked up the bag, and pulled the hammer from it. He counted to three, then swung the hammer through the glass, and heard someone yelp.

He instantly looked at Valkyrie, checking that he hadn't hit her. When he noticed she was fine, they all vaulted themselves through the window. Valkyrie looked over and saw a man running away from them. She grabbed Skulduggery's arm. "Over there!"

"Hold on a moment," he said, handing the bag to Shudder. Skulduggery's arm encircled Valkyrie's waist and they lifted off the ground, hurrying after the running man. They picked up speed, and then they heard Shudder yell Skulduggery's name. Skulduggery only glanced back for half a second, because he looked back again when he heard Valkyrie cry out.

And when he looked back, it was at the same time they collided with the running man who wasn't really running anymore. He saw Skulduggery and Valkyrie, recognised them instantly, and started sobbing.

"Please don't hurt me!" he wailed. "Please!"

"Oh for crying out loud," Skulduggery said irritably, "will you just shut up?"

The man stopped sobbing immediately. He just turned and was about to run the opposite direction when Skulduggery suddenly said, "The sparrow flies south for winter," and punched the sobbing man across the jaw. He crumpled to the ground, unconscious.

"We really need a different code," Valkyrie said, and Skulduggery shrugged.

"I still think it's an excellent code," Skulduggery said as he motioned for Shudder to join them. "Nobody would ever guess."

Valkyrie sighed. Shudder approached and handed Skulduggery the bag. They walked through the corridors, looking for the meeting room. Every once in a while they'd hear someone and change their direction. Skulduggery led the way - he seemed like the only one who even knew where anything was - and he lead them over to a corner and spoke to Shudder and Valkyrie.

"The meeting room is just down there," Skulduggery said quietly. "From what I can tell, there isn't anyone in there, so we should be able to go right in and do what we came here to do."

"And you still haven't exactly told us what that is," Shudder pointed out.

"Well, you'll know soon enough. Now let's go."

They walked to the door of the meeting room. Skulduggery opened the door and stepped inside. Valkyrie and Shudder followed. Shudder shut the door behind him, and Skulduggery flipped the light switch. There was a sound, like a splash, and Valkyrie cried out.

Ghastly Bespoke, Erskine Ravel, Dexter Vex, Shudder and Skulduggery all started laughing. Valkyrie glared.

"Oh, don't be so upset," Ravel said. "It was funny."

"No it wasn't," Valkyrie scowled.

"It really was."

"Dumping freezing cold water with huge chunks of ice in it on me doesn't seem very funny."

"Happy Halloween, Valkyrie," Ghastly said, grinning.

Valkyrie sighed and looked at Skulduggery. "I said I wanted to do something fun," she said.

"This is fun. This is very fun," Skulduggery said, amusement in his voice.

"It's not very fun for me."

"You never made that specific."

"So you, Shudder, Ghastly, Erskine and Vex all planned this?"


"And what about Shudder's embarrassing story?"

"Doesn't exist. I needed you to think that there was some reason that he would come other than to prank you."

"But don't worry, Val," Vex said. "We're going to get Skulduggery too."

Skulduggery tilted his head and turned around just as Ravel grabbed his head. Skulduggery turned around, and from what Valkyrie could tell, Ravel was laughing and moving one of his hands and Skulduggery was trying to grab Ravel's hand and pull it away. He finally got free, and as soon as he turned around Valkyrie and the others burst out laughing.

"You were right," Valkyrie managed to say. "This is really fun."

Ravel grinned and put a cap on his permanent marker. It looked like he'd been trying to draw on Skulduggery's skull. There was two ridiculously large eyebrows, a squiggly moustache, and a half-drawn beard.

"That was not part of the plan," Skulduggery said.

"Hey Skulduggery," Valkyrie said, pulling out her phone. "Look over here."

He turned around just Valkyrie took a photo on her phone. Skulduggery lunged at her and she laughed and tried to dodge but she slipped in the puddle from where she'd had water dumped on her. Skulduggery knocked into her and they both went sprawling. Everyone else had gone silent for a moment, but now they were laughing even harder than before.

Vex helped Valkyrie to her feet, then helped Skulduggery. Valkyrie put her phone in her pocket, and turned to Skulduggery. "So now what are we going to do?" she asked.

"We're going to do our part, which is telling incredibly intelligent and true stories," he said as he pulled something out of the black bag and tossed it to her. She caught it and looked at it. It was the voice-changer. She arched an eyebrow at him. "Seriously?"

"Seriously," He said. He had a voice-changer also. He turned the knob so that it was almost the deepest it could go. Valkyrie twisted hers so that it was really shrill and high-pitched. She looked over and saw that Skulduggery was already begining to speak into his.

"Once upon a time," Skulduggery started, "there was Ghastly, Erskine, Shudder, and Vex. They all were incredibly jealous of one person. His name was Skulduggery Pleasant. He was way smarter than all of them, and braver, and more good-looking, and--"

"Skulduggery," Vex interrupted, "this is the worst story I've ever heard."

While Vex and Skulduggery were arguing on whether or not Skulduggery's story was true, Valkyrie decided to twist the knob on the voice-changer so that it was as low as Skulduggery's.

"...and then while they were all fawning over Skulduggery," Valkyrie said, "Skulduggery realised that they shouldn't be jealous of him, and that they should all be begging to speak to the amazing Valkyrie Cain."

Everyone was looking at her by the time she finished speaking. Then she grinned at them and said,

"The end."

The Purpose of This Blog Is...

To post my Skulduggery Pleasant Fan Fiction here, rather than my other blog: http://bringingskulduggerytothemasses.blogspot.com/ which I use for my ridiculous Skulduggery nonsense. So I guess I'll get to writing some stories!