Friday, March 21, 2014

Alright, time to stop neglecting this.

I've been a bit rude, haven't I? I haven't posted in AGES. Didn't I saw I might give you writing? And then I didn't? That was kind of mean. Sorry.

I did have my reasons, though. I was keeping my writing mostly to myself (except for a few people, but still) because I didn't know if I wanted to post it, because I kept editing small details to fix whatever bit I was working on, but I think I'll just get over it and agree that you'll all accept any changes made later on, etc.

So basically, I've had this writing for months. Sorry about that.


Chapter One: Ivy

Ivy Animosity whipped the knife at the sorcerer's head and he ducked down, the swipe mere centimetres from slicing into his face. She scowled. He was good, this guy. Very good. But not as good as her.
He aimed a kick to her knee and she shifted, ever so slightly out of the way, and the kick missed her. She sent an elbow shooting into his ribs and then to his nose, barely dodging the knee coming up at her. Ivy took a step back, giving herself a bit of distance, waiting for the sorcerer to attempt an attack. He raised his arm to shoot something at her and instead of dodging away she ducked under it and ran forward, the heel of her boot connecting with his sternum. He stumbled back and she seized the moment while she had it. In an instant she had her knife pressed against his neck and was slashing his throat.
He shouldn't take it personally, of course – Ivy was a killer, and she had been paid to kill him. That's just the way things worked. Not that his opinion on it really mattered He was dead, a corpse, a thing lying on the ground. He wasn't of importance any more, not really. Not to her. She did what she had to, so why should she care what other people did or didn't do after that?
She wiped the blood off the blade and onto the man's coat, then returned her knife to its sheath. She could have used magic to kill him, could've shot beams through his chest or set fire to him or made his head explode or something, but she'd require a bit of focusing for that, and focusing was annoying. Besides, it was more fun to fight a little. It wasn't like Ivy was going to lose or anything like that.
Trying hard not to trip over his dead body, Ivy stepped out into the moonlit night and away from the corpse. She pulled out her phone and texted the woman who had needed the sorcerer dead – a thoroughly dislikeable woman who managed to charm everyone but Ivy named Saturnine Morose – and informed her that the job had been a success. She waited for the response, and she read it, and then in a flash of blue light she teleported.
Reappearing in a secret building underneath the Seattle Space Needle, commonly referred to by sorcerers as the Ascendancy, she approached the door to a room labelled “INTERROGATION” - a room generally used for, well, interrogations, aside from right now. Not bothering to knock, Ivy walked in and, ignoring the chairs around the desk there, she leaned against the wall with her arms crossed and waited.
Saturnine Morose looked up from the stack of papers she was reading, smiling a big fake smile that her bright green eyes didn't meet. She was pretty enough, with straight auburn hair that went a few inches past her shoulders and fair skin. She was tall, and wore heels to emphasise her height, and Ivy had a niggling suspicion that she deliberately wore them whenever Ivy was around to make her feel even shorter than she was. Saturnine didn't like Ivy and Ivy didn't like Saturnine. Ivy didn't like her because she had the annoying habit of patronising her, and she brought out that tiny little petty side of herself that Ivy tried to hide. Saturnine didn't like Ivy for some reason that she wasn't sure of. They made no effort to hide their distaste for each other, but did their best to maintain their pettiness long enough to negotiate without strangling each other. Or at least they tried to.
“Are you going to sit?” Saturnine asked. “I'm sure it wouldn't make much of a difference to your height either way, but it might make you more comfortable than standing around in those dreadful combat boots.”
Ivy glared, her dislike for the woman causing her slight Irish accent to become noticeable. It always stood out when Ivy was frustrated. “I'd rather stand. It makes me feel like I'm being honest, you know? I don't like you and sitting near you might give you the false impression that I do. And that'd be lying.”
Her smile widened. “But of course, Ivy Animosity is all about honesty. Look, I even made a rhyme. Are you impressed?”
“I'd be impressed if you managed to make rhymes without a head. Want to give it a try? I happen to know someone who'd very much like to take your head off. She's in this room, actually.”
“I'm afraid I'll have to pass on that one. Besides, if you took my head off, you wouldn't get paid.” Saturnine tossed her an envelope. “See? Me living is a win for everyone. Although, really, I have no idea what the hell a twelve-year-old like you expects to do with any money she gets. Buy a stuffed animal? A lollipop?”
“Quite honestly,” Ivy replied, picking up the envelope and examining it, “we enjoy spending it more on our building blocks and teething toys. Also, I'm fourteen. Just for the record.”
Saturnine shrugged, trying to hide the irritation creeping in her voice for having to be stuck in the same room as Ivy for so long. “Makes no difference to me. You're still a child and I'm still an adult. Go along and play with your kiddie dolls now.” She waved her hand in an obvious motion to shoo Ivy away. “Go or you'll be late for your daycare.”
Seething with frustration, Ivy turned and left the room, perfectly aware of Saturnine's smug smirk and the fact that Ivy could've smacked that smirk, along with her entire head, right off. But she chose not to, she kept walking, simply for the fact that if she was going to kill her it really should be because of something far less petty. She just needed the right reason at the right time...
Either way, Saturnine would die at some point, preferably soon, so Ivy tried to look at the bright side and not to let it bother her too much. If any of the sorcerers who worked for the Ascendancy actually knew that Ivy was there, they'd probably tear her apart on the spot. Or at least they'd try. She was one of the most wanted criminals on their list, and she took pride in the fact that not a single one of them even knew where she was or even how to find her.
And then an alarm sounded.
Ivy froze. If she really was going to get caught, she was going to curse herself everyday for the rest of her life for the irony of the situation. She glanced around slowly, and suddenly her entire body felt as if she had gone dull. She frowned, and then she realised what was happening.
They had bound the magic in the building.
She walked quietly, trying not to panic, and turned around a corner. If a single sorcerer in this building saw her she was pretty sure it wouldn't take long for anyone who knew what she looked like to recognise who she was. While she could blend in when it was dark, she still wasn't inconspicuous in the white-tiled corridors. And then the power went out.
As far as Ivy's luck was going today, she was really confused.
Taking the opportunity before something weird happened to contradict it, she walked as fast as she could, trying to stay quiet, and was probably getting further from the exit rather than closer, considering she had never actually left through the door before, and not in the dark. She heard running footsteps nearby and she doubled back, pressing herself against the wall. She was really hoping that her black clothes were blending in. Hopefully her hair would make her pale face stand out less...
She tried to avoid the impulse to peek around the corner. It was a bad idea. It was a really bad idea. If anyone recognised her they'd try to attack her, and while she could hold them off, she wasn't sure she could hold off back up of twenty people without her magic, so taking a risk was a really dumb idea. And yet she did it anyway.
Ivy stumbled back as someone ran into her. Of course that was going to happen. Ivy looked up at her, trying to see clearly in the gloom, trying to observe the other girl in an attempt to hopefully be the one to attack first. She was a bit taller than average, with bright green eyes, freckles, and dark blonde hair cut short at the neck. She must've been in her early twenties. She looked behind her, and Ivy heard running footsteps. Just as Ivy was attempting to register what was happening, the girl grabbed her arm and pulled her down as daggers made of an inky black substance flew over their heads. Ivy whirled around to see a group of people in uniforms of long black coats with their hoods up running, getting closer, preparing to throw more.
Ivy was yanked up and she stumbled as she was pulled forward, now sprinting with whoever the hell this girl was. She was running so quickly that Ivy almost tripped over her own feet. They turned a few corridors, ran into a room and the girl locked the door, staying away from the window in there. Ivy finally came to her senses and pulled her arm free.
The other girl skidded to a stop and spun to face Ivy. “What are you doing?” she exclaimed in shock. “We can't stop! They'll catch up with us!”
“Who?” Ivy snapped, sounding almost frantic, her Irish accent more prominent. “Who are they? Why are they chasing you? Why did you drag me along? Who the hell are you?”
“Look, I really don't have time to explain this right now, so just--”
“I'm not going anywhere with you until you give me answers.”
She glanced around, checked that there wasn't anyone approaching yet, and turned back to Ivy. “I'm Anomaly Despair. Those guys are Guardians, which are basically really scary guards who have no problem with using hostile force. And if I hadn't dragged you along you'd be dead by now, so I strongly suggest we get moving again, okay?” She paused. “What are you looking at?”
Anomaly looked around, facing the window, and Ivy shouted a warning, shoving Anomaly back as the glass shattered on them and a black dagger flew centimetres past her face. They glanced at each other, then slowly looked up as a Guardian dropped in through the demolished window and held out a hand, a new dagger growing in it, but by that time they had yanked open the door and were already running again.
Leading the way again, Anomaly grabbed Ivy's wrist to make sure she didn't trip or get left behind, sprinting down corridor after corridor after corridor, trying to outrun the Guardian whilst at the same time looking for somewhere else to hide. She found an empty room, kicked the door open, shoved Ivy inside along with herself and slammed it shut again, clicking the lock into place. Ivy sincerely hoped that locked was reinforced by something. Anomaly turned to her, ignoring the fact that Ivy had tripped when she came in and was getting back to her feet, glaring.
Anomaly tried a smile, ignoring the pounding on the door. “So that was fun, wasn't it?”
Ivy continued to glare.
“Well hey, it's not my fault you were hiding in a corridor I ran down, now is it?” She stopped talking for a moment and frowned, observing Ivy. “Are you okay? You're looking pretty pale.”
“I always look like this,” Ivy said, not having to gesture. She tilted her head at the door, which was taking a pounding. “How come that isn't, y'know, breaking?”
“We're in a building full of magical people. They've figured out ways the keep the doors sturdy enough to keep other magical people out, even when the whole place is bound.” Answering the next question before it was even asked, she added, “And the Guardians can't have their magic bound. They need to fight off the enemy, don't they?”
“How are we getting out?” Ivy asked, getting steadily more and more irritated. “Why am I even in this situation? Why are they chasing you, Anomaly Despair?”
Anomaly looked at her for a moment, her eyes starting to narrow. “Wait, do I know you from somewhere, or—”
The door cracked. Ivy and Anomaly spun to look at it as it began to break.
“Okay, explaining later. Let's get the hell out of here.”
Anomaly shoved her hand in her pocket and pulled out a clear orb that was swirling with grey smoke inside it.
“What is that?”
“It's a teleporty-orb-thing. You think of where to go and it takes you there.”
“The building is bound.”
“It doesn't apply to magical objects.”
“You guys have really stupid rules.”
A dagger's tip pierced the door, and Anomaly threw the orb on the ground, shattering and a puddle of light formed. She shoved Ivy in it and Anomaly leaped in after her, just as the door burst open.
In an instant they were out of the Ascendancy building and in a grassy field that was being drenched in the rain. Ivy whirled to Anomaly and pressed her knife into her throat.
“What's going on?” Ivy asked coldly. She was irritated and confused and didn't know where she was and it took away any sense of humour she had.
Anomaly looked at her, unblinking, unmoving, waiting until Ivy had calmed down a bit. She knew if Ivy was given an answer she didn't like she'd slash her throat in an instant. However, Ivy didn't seem to be lowering her guard at all, so Anomaly decided it best to answer.
“Basically, we teleported.”
“No shit, Sherlock. I can do that too when I'm able to use magic.”
“You're a bit young to be swearing so much,” Anomaly replied, hiding her surprise. Hardly anyone could teleport on their own.
“And you're obviously a bit dim to be scolding me. Where are we?”
“Edmonds,” she answered, ignoring the insult. “Somewhere near City Park.”
“Why were you being chased? What did you do?”
“I didn't do anything. I was framed for a murder I didn't commit.”
“So the alarm was set off because of you?”
“Which one?”
“Which murder were you framed for?”
“Cimmerian Cantrip.”
“Never heard of him. Why'd you take me along?”
“Because you were near me. They'd have killed you if I hadn't.”
“And why the hell do you even care?”
Anomaly looked at her, studying her features. She was pale. Really pale. Her veins were visible underneath her skin, and her long black hair that hung in loose messy waves made her look even paler, and her indigo eyes stood out as they gleamed. She was young, though. She couldn't have possibly been more than sixteen, if even. And she was frowning now – not with anger, but with both confusion and curiosity.
“I couldn't just let them kill an innocent kid,” Anomaly answered, as Ivy's knife slowly lowered. “You'd have been blamed for something you didn't do.”
Ivy glanced up at her for a second, then laughed. “That's where you're wrong.” She sheathed her knife. “I'm not innocent in the slightest.”
Turning, she walked away, ending the conversation abruptly. Anomaly didn't move from the spot. After a moment's hesitation, she called after her.
“I do know you from somewhere, don't I?”
She didn't answer.
“At least answer me this: what makes you so bad that you were surprised I had helped you?”

She kept walking, not turning back. “I'm Ivy Animosity,” she responded. “And I think you know what that means.”

Monday, November 11, 2013


I know I told some of you that I was doing it, of sorts. But I changed my mind.*

But I'll be doing writing either way, so that's something!

Again, I apologise for not, y'know, giving you any of this writing that I have.

(*That was a nicer way of saying 'I gave up'.)

Sunday, September 8, 2013


I know this sounds like that dumb last post from July, but I've actually done writing. For real. I didn't add to the Ivy story, but I might go back to that one at some point. Instead, I've started a new one again, but it's exceptionally good, and I'm halfway through chapter three even though I started it a few days ago, and I'm not posting it here yet.


Monday, July 15, 2013


Just so you know, I haven't been doing absolutely nothing since the last post. Granted, I was doing MOSTLY nothing, but I did do a bit of writing.

I just finished writing chapter five, and I'll be completely honest with you - it's only a page long. I basically needed to put in a little something that I might even end up taking out, but since it's so short I'm not going to post it here. I might eventually, but I think I'm going to just write the next few chapters and then (maybe) post them all at once. Because if I post them one by one, I feel like I subconsciously tell myself I can take a break from writing because I have 'accomplished' something. And then I stop. So I'm going to wait a bit.

Keep in mind that I may end up changing my mind completely, but this is just my decision as of right now.

Monday, May 27, 2013

Chapter Four (FINALLY)


Ivy frowned as Anomaly started walking towards the noise. She could've sworn she'd just seen... Her eyes widened. “Anomaly! Get down!”

“What? Why?” Anomaly asked, but Ivy had already lunged at her, knocking her over just before a shower of bullets passed over head.

She stared at Ivy in surprise. “How did you know...?”

“I just did. We should probably go now.”

“Well, do you have any ideas how to?”

“We could teleport. That usually works for me.”

“It takes too much energy to go far enough to get away and you know that.” She paused a second. “I've got an idea. Stand up on the count of three and stay behind me, all right?”

“They have guns pointed at us and you want me to stand up? Are you insane?”

“No,” she answered, “but you are.” She glanced back at them for a brief moment. “Okay. One... Two... Three!”

They both leaped up just as another wave of bullets came at them. Anomaly got her hands out in front of her, moving with almost inhuman speed, and a green-tinted wall that looked almost as if it were made of glass appeared in front of her. She started walking quickly, Ivy staying sure to have Anomaly in front of her. The bullets that hit the shield rippled into it and fell, almost as though it were slow motion. The men with the machine guns narrowed their eyes at it, stopped firing, and started coming towards them. Ivy nudged Anomaly so she would notice.

“What?” Anomaly asked, looking at Ivy, then at the others. She paused. “Oh. Dammit. Okay. Right. Um... We're going to have to run for it. Do you think you can knock the guns out of their hands and come after me? I need a few minutes to kind of get my magic back. That took a bit of effort just now.”

“It'll be annoying, but yeah, I suppose so. When?”


Anomaly put her arms down and ran. Ivy followed, then turned around and shoved her hands in front of her. The air rippled, the ripple hit the men, and their guns flew from their grasp and into the trees. Ivy took off running again as they turned to get their weapons. Unfortunately, they could see where Ivy and Anomaly were going, and once they had retrieved their weapons, they started after the two.

Ivy and Anomaly ran through the trees, ignoring the cuts they were getting from running into twigs and branches. It wasn't the matter of beating them in combat or not – they could do it without a doubt – it was much more the fact that those men had guns, and neither of them particularly wanted to be shot. They plunged out of the trees and nearly got themselves hit by a car that honked as it continued on driving. Ignoring the distraction, they darted into an alleyway and watched their new enemies run past.

Ivy turned to Anomaly, looked like she was about to say something sarcastic, but Anomaly gave her a mean look to tell her to shut up. Ivy scowled and crossed her arms, and Anomaly rolled her eyes. She peeked out from where they were hiding and cried out. Someone had been hiding along the wall outside. Ivy went to go help her, until someone leaped down from out of nowhere and landed in front of her, making Ivy stumble in surprise and fall over. She swore and got up, then went to just shove him aside, but Anomaly shouted. “Run!”

Ivy was going to, but then she looked over the shoulder of the person in front of her – having to stand on her toes in order to do it – and over to where Anomaly was. “Do I have to?”

Anomaly made a very irritated noise as she punched the person who had attacked her in the face. She chucked a pebble at Ivy. “Just leave now, before that guy in front of you shoots you with magical bullets or something of the sort.”

Ivy gave an exasperated sigh, then turned and ran. She could hear the man right at her heels. Speeding up, she started to put distance between them. She could out run him, hide, then attack from behind. That was a good plan. A good plan that could actually have worked, had Ivy not fallen on her face when she tripped on a crack in the concrete. She was about to get back up, but instead she cried out as the man following tripped on her, losing his gun in the process.

He composed himself quickly, then lunged at Ivy, who put her arms up to cover her head as he tried to punch her. Ivy shifted her arm so that her elbow smacked into his nose, and she kicked him in full the ribs to throw him off. His ribs made a satisfying crack. She kneeled on top of him and, thoroughly irritated that Anomaly was still in possession of her knife, she pressed her arm to his throat.

“Who are you?” she asked, annoyed that she was even in this fight.

“Why does it matter?” the man spat in response. He looked strong, his dark blond hair cut short, and he had an angry look on his face, probably having something to do with the fact that he was being pinned down by a thirteen year old girl.

“Hmm, let's see,” Ivy said, pretending to think about it. “Oh, that's right! You tried to kill me! I forgot!” She looked down at him, her voice with an edge. “I could always return the favour.”

“Oh yeah?” he replied, laughing an ugly laugh. “I'm not sure such a little girl would be capable.”

“That particular 'little girl' is currently in a wonderful position to snap your neck if you don't start talking.”

“I feel so intimidated.”

Ivy pressed her arm down harder. “Who told you to kill me and Anomaly?”

Any signs of a joke vanished, and he showed outright hostility. “I'm not saying.”

“Can I make a guess?”


“Is it Saturnine Morose? I have a feeling it is.”

He didn't answer her. Instead, his eyes flickered over his shoulder to something behind her.

Ivy turned around right as Anomaly came crashing into her, having been thrown by the person she had punched earlier. He was now looking considerably more injured than before. The man Ivy had been pinning down used this opportunity to escape. Ivy kicked at him and hit him in the throat as the rest of his group came, six more people, and surrounded them, still holding their massive machine guns.

Ivy and Anomaly glanced at each other, then attacked.

Anomaly grabbed the gun out of the hands of the nearest person and used the back of it to smack its owner in the head, knocking him unconscious. Someone lunged at Ivy and she jabbed her fingers in her eyes, punched him in the face, and smashed his head against her knee as he went down. Anomaly used the gun she was still holding to jab the next person in the stomach and kicked his legs out from under him. Another got on Ivy and pointed his gun at her, about to pull the trigger, but Anomaly was there to punch him while Ivy shoved the barrel of the gun out of her face; the bullet that would have hit her hit one of his comrades in the kneecap, and he collapsed. Ivy got up and yanked the gun out of the hands of her previous attacker, and despite Anomaly's cry of warning, she pulled the trigger and the bang sounded in her ears.

“No!” Anomaly cried, turning to Ivy, not caring how childish she sounded. “You can't just kill people! You can't!”

“You should have told that to him!” Ivy shouted back, suddenly incredibly angry. Anomaly doubted it was just because she had shouted at her, but couldn't figure out why else. “He tried to kill us first! All of them did! And now you're shouting at me about it, when all I did was stop that from happening!”

“You still didn't have to kill them! We were doing fine just with making them unconscious.”

“Fine!” Ivy screamed, so much frustration poured into it that Anomaly actually flinched. “Fine! Next time I'll just let them kill us!”

She threw the gun down and stormed off. Anomaly waited a second, then jogged to catch up with her, knowing it was probably a bad idea to try to talk to Ivy, but not knowing how many people she could put in danger if Ivy didn't calm down. An angry assassin with the attitude of a disturbed teenage girl was not the safest person to be around.

“Ivy, wait,” Anomaly said, trying to calm her down.

“Go away,” Ivy snapped, not looking at her.

“Just listen to me for a second-”

“Leave me alone!” she shouted, shoving Anomaly away, then vanished in a blast of blue light.
Anomaly blinked rapidly to get rid of the bright spots that were in her vision. Ivy was gone. The main problem was that Anomaly actually had no idea where she went, and no way to follow her, or stop her before she hurt someone.

This was not good.

So what do you guys  think? Is it good? Hmm? DO YOU LIKE IT?

Monday, April 1, 2013


Haha, yeah... The last post was a LIE.

Just saying.


I really need to get on with my story, don't I?

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Writer's Block

You know, in the last, I don't know, three or four months, I haven't written much at all. The cause of this?


I hate it so much. Grrrrrrrr. It's like someone dropped an ice cream scoop of cement on my brain so I couldn't write.

(Just kidding. If that happened, I highly doubt I'd be here right now.)

So, for the better, I changed the ending of chapter three for my story, because I found that the source of my writer's block was the simple fact that I have no idea how to fight a troll. So... Well, I decided I didn't want Ivy and Anomaly to.

Sorry about that.

But on a happy note, I've actually started chapter four and I'm getting into it. Hopefully, I'll be putting in an awesome fight scene that I had randomly written a few days ago and wanted to add. Whoo hoo!

(You all can thank Buffy the Vampire Slayer for that. Lots of fighting there.)

So ANYWAY, that's that. Go back and read Chapter Three - and you might want to go back to the other ones too, just to refresh your memory - and then I SHOULD be posting something soon.

Monday, November 19, 2012

The Adventures of Val and Derek

Although most of you have read this already, here is the first three chapters of the story I'm writing for when I meet Derek in Ireland.

Chapter One

Valkyrie V. frowned. She had been sitting in her room, reading, and suddenly, as if she had blinked, she was here. Wherever 'here' was. There were trees. There were some leaves on the ground. There was a scary looking unicorn sitting in front of her. There was... Wait a second. There was a UNICORN sitting in front of her. It was purple. It was giant. It had red eyes, and shadows swirling around its horn. And it was almost as if there was a rainbow trailing behind it.

Val stared. “What?... WHAT?

She heard a rustling behind her and whirled around. The bush behind her parted and she had to lunge to the side to avoid being trampled by a second unicorn that had just arrived. It looked like someone had been riding it, from what she had seen. She heard some shouting, a weird horse noise, another shout, and another horse noise. The two unicorns dashed off, kicking up dirt behind them.

Dusting herself off, Val got up slowly, in complete and utter shock of what was happening. She tried to blink her focus back, and could only barely manage to pay attention to anything when she heard a groan beside her.

Val walked over to where the man who had groaned was. She helped him up. “Excuse me, but do you have any idea what...” She trailed off and stared. “DEREK?”

“Yes?” Derek Landy answered.

Val stared.

“Who might you be?”

Val stared.

“Uh... Are you okay?”

Val stared.

He waved his hand in front of her. “Er... Hello?”

She blinked. “So... You're... You're DEREK LANDY?”

“Yes, yes I am,” he said with a smile. “And I'm awesome, but I'm sure you already know that. Who are you?”

“Uh... I'm... I'm...” She couldn't think. Everything was a bit too confusing right now. “Oh, wait, I remember! I'm Valkyrie V., from your Blog! The crazy one who had a party for you!”

It was Derek's turn to look stunned. “Ivy?”

Val nodded, a grin on her face. She thought for a moment. “Wait... Were you just riding a unicorn?”

Derek thought about it for a second, trying to remember. “Yes,” he decided. “Yes I was.”

Val arched an eyebrow. “Impressive.”

“Well, I AM amazing.” After a few moments they both frowned.

“How did we get here?” they asked in unison, taking a slightly more detailed observation of the place. It was some sort of forest, that was for sure. And it was pretty dark, so it was probably night. As for where they were, they hadn't the slightest idea.

“Maybe we're in another dimension,” Val suggested. “You know, like in Kingdom of the Wicked.”

“No, that couldn't have happened,” Derek said, thinking about it. “We would've had to have been near each other if we were to shunt at the same time. Or we'd need to be sent directly by a Dimensional Shunter. And I know I wasn't.”

“Neither was I.”

“Maybe we teleported here, then.”

“But wouldn't we need TWO Teleporters? If we both got sent at the same time, in different spots, that wouldn't be possible with one. We'd need one to send you, and one to send me. There's only one Teleporter left, and he's, well, an idiot.”

“Well done,” Derek nodded. “My brilliant books have taught you well. Is there any other ways you can think of?”

“Not at the moment, no.” Val looked around. “I wonder if there's anyone else here. Maybe we could ask them. Unless they're evil. Then we should hide or something.”

“Or we could fight them.”

“I doubt we have magic or anything.”

“Ah, good point.” The both paused, then grinned. Focusing, the clicked their fingers.


They had just generated a spark by clicking their fingers.

“Okay,” Val said, a grin clear on her face, “fighting them is now an option.”

Using their flames as light, they wandered around a little. There had to be SOMEONE around. Wherever they were, there had to be some sort of person for them to talk to.

Val pushed aside some bushes and tried to peer into the dark behind it. Nothing there. She sighed. “Are you finding anything yet?”

“No,” Derek replied, turning away from the bush he was observing, “but that's probably because it's only been about five minutes.”

“Five minutes too long,” Val muttered.

Derek looked at her. “You really have no patience.”

She shrugged. They heard a scream behind them and whirled around.

“Hide!” Val said quickly.

They looked around for a place to hide. In the dark, all they could really see was trees and bushes. Putting out their flames, they started climbing the tree. After a bit of difficulty, they both managed to find a way to keep themselves balanced,

A figure came into view beneath them. It was hard to see, but from what they could gather, the figure looked like a purple octopus. In a forest. Running in a way that would remind someone of the word 'squiggly'.
“The Ninjas!” the octopus thing cried. “The Ninjas are coming! They have the lizard as a hostage! Everybody, RUN!”

There was silence, and nobody ran, because there was no one there to run. The octopus gave an exasperated sigh, then looked directly at Val and Derek.

“I told you, RUN!”

They glanced at each other. There was no use trying to hide if the octopus thing already knew they were there. Moving quickly, Val and Derek began their climb down.

However, they must have been moving a little TOO quickly, because Val lost her grip and slipped out of the tree, hitting every branch on the way down. Groaning, she saw Derek arching an eyebrow at her.

“Wow,” he said. “You must really be a fan of the books.”

“Trust me,” Val told him as her helped her up, “I am.”

Chapter Two

As far as Val and Derek could tell, the squiggly run was the only way the octopus could move around. It was taking all of their self control to keep from laughing as they followed.

Despite the fact that they were supposed to be running for their lives, apparently, Val and Derek only had to walk at a normal pace to keep up with the squiggly run. Either way, walking three hours was still exhausting.

They didn't really have any idea what time it was when they arrived, but now it was light out, so it was probably around six in the morning or so. They finally saw what looked like it could be a community in the distance. Val practically squealed with joy at the sight.

“Can we stop there? Is that where we're stopping?” she asked.

The octopus thing didn't answer.

“Hey, are we going to stop there?” Derek asked.

Still, no answer.

Val turned around. “Hey, where'd that squiggly guy go?”

“What do you mean? It's right...” He trailed off, looking around. They stopped walking, and looked around. After about a minute and a half, they stopped and turned to each other.

“How did we just LOSE somebody?” Derek asked slowly.

“I really, really don't know,” Val answered.

There was an awkward silence.

“Well, I guess we should keep going,” Derek said.

“Right. Yes. Okay.” Val nodded, and followed Derek as he continued forward.

As they approached the city-like place, they noticed how small it really was. Literally. The buildings, at the most, were about three metres tall, and the majority of them were even smaller. A group of tiny cat people swarmed them.

“Ah!” Val shrieked. “Tiny cat people! They're stabbing my feet!”

“Calm down,” Derek said. He picked one of them up. It was small enough to fit in the palm of his hand. 

“Look, see, it's not that-” He dropped it. “OW! It bit me!”

They started kicking them away, with the occasional stomp. After all the creepy little cat things were scattered and moaning, they cautiously continued forward. Approaching a building, Derek bent down to knock on the door. A face appeared at the window that was level with his eye. The tiny thing shrieked in terror.

“Eeeeek! It's a giant alien eye! Like from Doctor Who! Ahhhhhh!”

Derek frowned. “I'm not the Atraxi.”

The thing, that looked like a miniature walking fish, shook its head. “You lie! You lie! I will tell the Doctor about this! I will, I will!”

“Geez... Repetitive much?”

“Whoa, wait. You know the Doctor?” Val asked.

“OF COURSE!” the fish shrieked, exasperated. “I'm going to call him RIGHT NOW! I will report the threat posed by the Atraxi, and -”

Another fish person came out ans whispered into the first one's ear. The first one scowled. At least, that's what Val and Derek could gather from the facial expressions of a fish.

“Well,” the fish growled, “it appears the Doctor has gone off to stop the world from ending again. It ALSO appears that you AREN'T the Atraxi. I guess you're just boring old humans. Bah. That's LAME.”

“We aren't lame,” Derek pointed out. “I mean, at least we have LIMBS. And FINGERS. And decent sized brains. Oh, and I know for a fact that I'm amazing.”

“And we have, you know, magical powers and stuff,” Val added. “Just to let you know.”

The fish stared, making a startled fish impression. Which isn't too descriptive, on account of the fact that that was what it was. And the previous sentence didn't make much sense either, but whatever.

“You people have MAGIC?” it practically squeaked.

“Uh, yeah.”

“I must go tell the queen of this news, I must, I must!” The fish ran off, leaving Val and Derek standing there, confused.

“Is getting the queen a good or a bad thing?” Val asked.

“I actually don't know,” Derek admitted. “But they're fish people, y'know? I'm sure we could step on her if we need it.”

Val laughed. The fish person came back out, followed by a man in a poofy pink dress. Val and Derek stared.

“THRASHER?!” they exclaimed in shock.

“That's QUEEN Thrasher to you!” Thrasher shouted. He frowned. “Valkyrie?”

“Um... hi. Where's Scapegrace?”

“He, well, she, doesn't seem to like me very much. I think he-she is just jealous because I'm royalty now. But don't think I'm saying anything bad about Master Scapegrace, I just -”

“Okay, that's quite enough of that now,” Derek interrupted. “I can see why Scapegrace found you irritating.”

“Remember, Derek, you're the one who made him up,” Val pointed out to him.

“I was made up?” Thrasher squeaked.

“Well, you're the one who made him a bit annoying just now,” Derek replied to Val, ignoring Thrasher.

“I'm annoying?” Thrasher asked.

“Very,” Val answered. “Also, I suppose you ARE right about me making him a tad annoying just now, but that's because the class the real me is sitting in while writing this is boring, and the real me just noticed this sentence is a bit confusing at this point and that she should probably stop writing it.”

She finished her sentence and frowned. “I am so odd sometimes...”

“I can agree with that,” said a velvety voice from behind them.

Val and Derek spun around to see who was standing there. They couldn't help but stare.


“Hello, Valkyrie, hello, Derek,” Skulduggery Pleasant said. “I can't help but wonder: how did you get here?”

Chapter Three

Neither of them answered. It was Skulduggery. For real. And it was absolutely impossible to do anything but stare. Finally, Derek came back to his senses.

“Uh... We don't know how we got here,” Derek told Skulduggery. “Maybe it was a Dimensional Shunter.”

“That's what I was thinking,” Skulduggery replied. “However, I can't remember any time that could've happened, unless the Shunter figured out some way to send people without them being aware. Do you remember anything odd happening before you got here?”

“Not exactly. I remember reading some of the Minion's crazy comments on my Blog, and then I went to feed my dogs, and then I was trying to think of some other way to delay writing, but I blinked and ended up on a unicorn and found Val.”

“Interesting,” Skulduggery said, nodding. He turned to Val. “And you?”

Val finally managed to stop staring. “Uh... I was sitting in my room, at the computer, delaying writing by commenting on Derek's Blog, and at the same time I was reading one of my SP books, then, like Derek said – I blinked and here I was. Which was a bit of a bad idea, blinking. There could've been a Weeping Angel in the room.” She paused. “Are you really standing there? Like, for real? Or am I going mad?”

Skulduggery tilted his head. “Valkyrie, dear, you've been mad for quite some time now. Remember?”

“Oh. Right.”

“However, on the topic of your arrivals, I haven't the slightest idea how you got here.”

“What were YOU doing before you got here?” Derek asked Skulduggery.

Skulduggery thought for a moment. “I was about to punch a Necromancer in the face,” he answered. “I hope my fist connected with them before I ended up here. Otherwise my code would've sounded a tad ridiculous. Well, more ridiculous than before.”

Thrasher, whom they had completely forgotten about, asked, “What code are you talking about? I can keep secrets, if your code is a secret. Well, Master Scapegrace doesn't think I can, but-”

“But the sparrow flies south for winter,” Val said, and punched him in the face. Thrasher did a little twirl before he fell over. The fish people made a Fergus-like face at her. Skulduggery's expression was unreadable, on account of the fact that he didn't have a face, but Derek was grinning.

“Awesome,” he said.

“OUR QUEEN!” the fish people shrieked in horror. “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!”

“Er... Helped him take a nap?” Val tried.

GET THEM!” the leader screeched, and the fish charged at them.

The fish were very brutal with their attacks. They kept on throwing punches, and biting, and trying to tackle Skulduggery, Val, and Derek to the ground.

In other words, the fish continuously flopped their fins against them, attempting to clamp their toothless mouths on their shoes, and kept flinging their flimsy fish bodies at feet.

“This is upsettingly pathetic,” Skulduggery remarked, shaking his head.

“We should leave,” Derek commented, kicking away a few of the harmless yet irritating fish people.

Turning to leave, Skulduggery and Derek walked off the way cool people did in movies, but Val had to use all of her self control NOT to skip and start singing, “We're off to see the Wizard” from the Wizard of Oz.

The three of them walked about five miles through the forest without finding any sort of civilization. There had been a few brief conversations between them, a couple of murmurs, but for the most part they had travelled in silence.

Val, who was by far the most irritated by this ridiculously long walk, asked, “Are we there yet?”

“No,” Derek answered, also bothered by the trip.

Val groaned. “I hate walking. It's so boring. And tiring.”

“Not all the time,” Skulduggery countered, watching a tree as he walked past it. “You can admire the scenery.”

She frowned. “Do you even GET tired? Like, is that even possible? You don't, do you? That's not fair.” She turned to Derek. “Can he get tired?”

“Why should I know?”

“You created him.”

“Oh. Yeah. Let me think about it.” He turned to Skulduggery. “Do you get tired?” he asked in a whisper.

“Not necessarily,” Skulduggery whispered back.

“Okay, okay, I heard your conversation,” Val said. “So this entire trip is completely unfair for Skulduggery.”

Skulduggery paused. “Valkyrie, does the word 'patience' mean anything to you?”

Val was about to answer but Derek hushed her. “Do you hear that?



“You really aren't being descriptive enough here.”

“And you really aren't paying attention.” He pointed to the giant green monster coming right at them. “That.”

She stared. “Oh. Right. That.”

“I apologise for disrupting your bickering,” Skulduggery interrupted, “but I feel we should probably get out of the way.”

They all dodged to the side as it barrelled past. The monster looked around, saw it hadn't trampled them, and turned on its heel, searching for the three people standing there. The monster stared them dead in the eyes.

“Well,” Skulduggery said slowly, “this is just DANDY.”